The Super Confidential Diary of Harry Potter
by Jam For President
Summary: Everyone wants to know what's really going on inside the Boy Who Lived's head.
1. Chapter 1

**Day One – 9:41 AM**

Dumbledore died.

About time. How old was he?

**9:44 AM**

Hahaha.

Hermione just said he was "young in spirit" and then gave me this bitchy look.

She's just pissed because she doesn't know something for once. Or she's on her period. Or both. Let's just hope she doesn't try to flush her "sanitary" napkins again. Let me just say—worst day of my life.

**12:00 PM**

Hagrid just knocked an old woman over and when he tried to help her up, he inadvertently got into a handbag fight.

I didn't know he carried one, but I guess Hagrid is just full of surprises these days.

Ron thinks Hagrid had a crush on Dumbledore.

**3:01 PM**

That couldn't be true, could it?

**Day Two – 5:15 PM**

Instead of helping de-gnome the Weasley's garden, I fell asleep in the grass and had a dream about Ginny playing Quidditch naked—except her boobs were Quaffles. She couldn't stay up on the broom for very long on account of the weight and she crashed into a tree.

Woke up with tears in my eyes.

LOLOL not really though. Woke up with a boner actually.

**7:07 PM**

Mrs. Weasley keeps force feeding me things. She doesn't understand the words, "I'm full, thank you" or "please don't stick your spoon there; it's uncomfortable."

Mr. Weasley blamed said spoon-sticking on the fact that the wedding's tomorrow. Ron reckons that it'll be full of horny broads turned on by the idea of marriage. But you know, after the Horcrux thing I feel like I've been splashed by the boiling water of love and it left really ugly red marks on my arms that I'm just not too happy about. Also, it hurts.

So I think I'll just have a few pieces of cake and call it a day.

**8:34 PM**

Do girls think it's attractive when they wear huge pajamas? Less is more, ladies.

**8:35 PM**

Except in Mrs. Weasley's case.

**11:00 PM**

Everyone's in bed "resting up." Pretty positive Fleur and Bill are getting married tomorrow, not the entire Weasley family, SO GET UP.

How boring. I think I'll grab something to eat.

**11:05 PM**

Mr. Weasley was in the kitchen playing with matchbox cars. But that's not the worst of it; he's making up voices and coming up with these intense plot lines and twists. I think like two of the little matchbox cars are on a date; the flashy convertible is really in love with the average-everyday sedan, but she's supposed to be meeting the pick-up truck for a coffee!

I lost my appetite, but gained an appreciation for Mr. Weasley's acting abilities.

**Day Three – 7:00 AM**

Up bright and early for the big day. What an American phrase. You all just need to stop talking. And eating.

**7:03 AM**

I was just kidding, though. You guys aren't all morbidly obese, you're just a little chubs.

But super cute, really.

**7:04 AM**

You all better keep buying my books even though I insulted you. It's called tuff love.

**7:15 AM**

All the women in the Weasley family refused to eat this morning so they could fit into their dresses. I politely addressed the situation.

Well what I really said was, "Can I have your food then, you anorexic bitches?"

I got SO MANY PANCAKES.

**8:58 AM**

The Weasley's said they were having the wedding in the yard because it was comforting and traditional. But what they really meant was that they couldn't afford a _real_ wedding.

That's okay though because Mrs. Weasley said she went all out on the cake.

Oh I bet she did. Fatass.

**9:46 AM**

Ginny just asked me what I was writing in here and I told her it was my resume. How stupid is that? But she believed me.

Well, Miss Weasley, maybe I'll write about how hot you look in your dress.

I guess that's not a maybe since I just did.

So there.

**9:55 AM**

Everyone keeps talking about this wedding, but no one feels the need to START IT ALREADY.

**10:30 AM**

Everyone's sitting here in these uncomfortable folding chairs now. Just sitting. I guess it's better than standing.

**10:35 AM**

Wish I could stand right about now.

Oh God. Hermione's hair looks so bad. She tried to straighten it but it just looks like she fried it completely. Guess I'll have to pretend I don't know her.

Ron doesn't care about that cause he doesn't look at her face when he talks to her anyway.

Haha bitch tripped. Someone doesn't know how to walk in high heels. I could do it better than her, I'm not afraid to admit it.

**10:45 AM**

Ginny and Gabrielle and Bill and the priest and Charlie are all chillin up at the altar. We're all ready to go, but we're waiting on Fleur. Typical.

Oh, wait, here she comes.

Good lord, she's dramatic with the flower girl and the dress and everything. Fleur, you're not that big of a deal.

**10:50 AM**

It probably definitely would have been more interesting if she walked down the aisle naked.

**10:51 AM**

The priest keeps talking and talking and talking so I decided to actually write my resume.

_My Resume_

Name: Harry Potter

Occupation: King of Kewl

Marital Status: Big Pimpin

Extracurriculars:

Handsome Quidditch Captain

"Dumbledore's Man Through and Through"

Being an orphan

Yeah, I think that's how they're done.

**11:13 AM**

God, could this go any slower?

**11:29 AM**

Apparently it can.

**11:40 AM**

The priest just asked if anyone objected to their marriage. What a stupid question. Don't you think they'd have said something before now?

**11:41 AM**

I should stand up and confess my undying love for Bill. That would cause a scene. No one would believe though because Bill is ugly now.

And because everyone knows I'm not gay.

**11:45 AM**

Does everyone know I'm not gay?

I don't want this on my conscience. Maybe I should wear a sign or a t-shirt, something like "You Can Call Me PUSSYcat, Meeeow ;)" or "Vaginas are My Dick's Best Friend but I Fuck Them Too" or the more direct, "Almost Got Ginny Weasley Pregnant!"

That would probably do it.

**11:48 AM**

FINALLY they're making out and it's over. I'm starving. Love and the very likely possibility of divorce ignite my sweet tooth.

**11:57 AM**

Found the cake. It's really big with those plastic figurines and everything. Nice job, Mama Weasley.

**12:00 PM**

I love magic. The plastic Fleur now has the face of a swamp rat, just standing there in a dress. It's hilarious if I do say so myself.

Which I did. So you know it's pretty goddamn funny.

**12:06 PM**

Mr. Weasley didn't think so. He gave me a stern talking to about behavior on his son's wedding day.

So I told him how upset I am about Dumbledore and how I'm really anxious about the Horcruxes and I've just been acting out of character lately. He just patted my back and nodded solemnly.

How awesome is that?

I can just be like "I'm Harry Potter, feel bad for me" and people do.

And if that doesn't work, I could just flash my resume and everyone would be astounded by how talented, hard working, and good looking I am.

**12:08 PM**

Ginny just bent over and I could see up her dress.

Dumbledore who?

**12:15 PM**

Professor Trelawney is wandering around awkwardly because she doesn't really belong here. But of course she found me somehow. And then she started saying something about danger and Voldemort so I left mid-sentence.

I have nothing to worry about anyway. After all, the Dark Lord's my bitch.

**1:00 PM**

I took my own little slice of wedding cake before anyone else. That's probably rude or something, but I'm Harry Potter and I do what I want.

**1:05 PM**

Some little boy just came up to me, scandalized, and asked, "What are you doing?"

And I was like, "Eating."

And he said, "Oh."

So I said, "Damn right."

He looked pretty satisfied. Probably dumbstruck from talking to me. I have that effect on people.

**1:21 PM**

Ginny was looking pretty fine while she was sippin on her drank at her table, so I sat down next to her, winked, and said, "I'm Harry Potter, you know."

But she ignored me. Someone needs to clean out her ears. I shouted, "I'M HARRY POTTER, YOU KNOW."

And she looked really annoyed and replied, "So?"

Touché.

Forgot I should probably have a follow up for that excellent pick-up line.

**3:00 PM**

It's three and I still haven't gotten any action yet. I bet Sirius would have like three girls on his arm by now.

Speaking of, where is he?

**3:01 PM**

Oh right, he's dead.

**3:03 PM**

Dude, this party's dead. As are half the people who were invited and didn't show up. Cause they're dead.

**3:03 and 30 seconds PM**

BA-ZING

**3:12 PM**

I walked up to Ginny again.

"Have you ever wondered what it would be like to make out with a God? Now's your chance, gorgeous."

**3:13 PM**

She's playing hard to get.

So now it's time to put the balls to the wall and think of some way to seduce Ginny and get some action tonight. Because we all know that everyone else is getting some.

I am Harry Potter, damnit, and I won't be able to sleep soundly tonight (JK I never have problems sleeping) unless I've plowed someone.

Cheers.


	2. Chapter 2

**Day Three Continued – 5:00 PM**

Um? What's going on?

Even Percy Weasley is getting ass. I just saw him with some guy snogging in the broom shed.

**5:01 PM**

Wait a second.

**5:01 and 30 seconds PM**

Guy?

**5:10 PM**

EW GROSS!

**5:20 PM**

Found Ginny again, sitting alone and looking longingly at something I don't care about. Sat down, smiled. You know me – Mr. Charming. I thought I'd try the 'Feel bad for me' card again. It seems to work best.

**5:26 PM**

What the fuck just happened?

I started the conversation saying, "Ginny, you know the whole Horcrux search thing? I'm getting really nervous about it. I mean, I could die and everything. We had this whole relationship thing going, and before I go, I think—,"

And she said, "Harry, are you asking me to come with you?"

Where did that come from?

And she went, "Cause I'll come."

NO that's not what I was asking, bitch.

**5:27 PM**

But now she's coming.

**5:30 PM**

On the plus side, it'll be like a permanent double date so I'm guaranteed to get laid.

**5:43 PM**

Gabrielle just threw herself at me. Not literally. That would be awkward. But anyway she was all over me. Not surprising.

**5:45 PM**

I'm such a stud.

**5:46 PM**

So we were mekkin out and all that and I tried to get up her shirt and she just started giggling and rolling on the ground.

Girls are weird.

**6:30 PM**

Told Ron and Hermione about Ginny coming on the Horcrux mission. Hermione was excited.

Fabulous.

Hermione thinks we should have a whole group come with us. She says it will be more helpful like that. Great.

Well so far we have the hero (THAT'S ME!11), the sidekick, the brainiac, and the slut.

Hm.

**6:45 PM**

Gawd I'm bored.

**7:04 PM**

I hid under the table and started a cake fight. I was having a lot of fun, but then someone started choking so I had to stop.

**7:06 PM**

Whoever was choking had to go to St. Mungo's because the cake actually refused to dislodge itself from their throat. I think it was talking and everything while the person just kept making noises and clutching their throat.

It's like, seriously, we get it. Obv. you're choking. It's probably your fault anyway.

**7:07 PM**

Oh right, it's my fault.

I don't care, I'm Harry Potter and I'll choke whoever I want.

**7:15 PM**

I dared a garden gnome to get naked and run through the wedding yelling, "I'm bringing sexy back!"

So classic.

**7:18 PM**

I dared the same gnome and another one to have sex on top of the leftover wedding cake. But they wouldn't do it.

**7:25 PM**

Ron says that me making out with Gabrielle is illegal. Because she's like eight years old or something.

What? Is he gonna call the Popo on me? They're always trying to catch me ridin' dirrrtttyyy.

**8:00 PM**

They started doing wizard fireworks. It's not like this is an important occasion or anything.

I hope someone gets hit in the face with one. I don't know how it would happen, I just hope it does.

**8:15 PM**

Shazaaam! Mr. Weasley right in the conk. He set it off incorrectly and it just blew up in his face.

Ha ha ha and ha di ha ha heh.

What a bitch.

**10:00 PM**

When the hell is this going to end?

**12:00 AM**

FINALLY.

Except some adults are still outside singing songs and telling stories about their childhoods. I watched for a bit until they started playing Truth or Dare and Hagrid had to strip dance to some music.

Whoever gave that dare was a little pervy wervy.

**12:10 AM**

Lupin is conducting the chorus of Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye. He keeps shouting things like "That's right!" and "Oh baby!"

**Day Four – 11:40 AM**

Ron, Hermy-own, and I have set off to visit Godric's Hollow to see my parents' grave. They don't seem to understand what a solemn occasion this is because Ron is wearing a Hello Kitty t-shirt and Hermione is wearing two party hats on her head—sort of like horns.

**12:00 PM**

Found the graves!

It kind of looks like someone pooped on Dad's, though. I'll just clean that off.

**12:01 PM**

I just sat down on the ground in front of the graves and I can hear Hermione and Ron giggling behind me. It's really not that funny or anything.

Told them to go see Voldemort and tell him that they found his Viagra in McGonagall's bedroom.

But they wouldn't.

**12:09 PM**

Decided to write a letter to my parents.

_Dear Mom and Pops,_

_I'm sitting in front of your graves right now, which means I'm probably sitting on one or both of you. It kind of takes me back to the times I'd sit on your laps and you'd burp me and I'd automatically poo in my diaper and you'd get upset because you'd have to clean my diaper again. But that's life._

_I bet you're both pretty proud of me right about now. I haven't died yet which is a pretty cool thing and more than I can say for Cedric (Ba-zing!), but more importantly you have given birth to a Sex God. Dad, you'll be pretty proud to know that I have been around the block and it was a very good looking block. Mom, you'll be happy to know I have avoided contracting any kind of STDs._

_Well my life is pretty hectic right now. It'd be nice to have some parents to, I don't know, protect me from this bald guy that wants to kill me or something. But of course you guys have to go off and pretend to be noble and get yourselves killed. I bet it was just some huge scheme because you were too young to have a child and didn't know what the Hell you were doing. Maybe that's a little harsh._

_Hm. My life. Well, I've got a really great girlfriend named Jenna Jameson. She's super pretty and blonde and all that. She's actually pretty famous too; she's starred in a few GREAT films. I'm also going to be on England's Quidditch Team next year, since they recruited me. Not only that, but I'm also going to be the most important auror ever and Minister of Magic one day, they say!_

_So even if ol' Voldmasta ends up killing me, I'll go down in history forever and ever and ever and be really famous. And that's all that really matters._

_Love,_

_Parry Hotter_

**12:25 PM**

Buried the letter in the ground and got worms everywhere which was gross.

I think they'll enjoy my sincerity and humbleness in my letter. And somewhere, six feet under, my parents are incredibly happy that someone has FINALLY come to visit their decaying bodies.

**Day Five – 8:27 AM**

Up to go to Diagon Alley with the Weasley's and Hermione. Apparently I need protection so they sent those huge cars with us again. Wasn't really enough room in the back seat with absolutely everyone and their cousins stuffed back there.

I volunteered to get out and walk, but no one got it and just started mumbling.

**9:00 AM**

Blah blah blah. Bricks, Leaky Cauldron, Diagon Alley, same old same old.

**9:05 AM**

WHOAAAH. Who's that fine piece of ass?

**9:05 and 23 seconds AM**

Oops. In my excitement of seeing an attractive person, I forgot it was my reflection.

FALSE ALARM EVERYBODY.

**9:10 AM**

Told Mr. Weasley flat out that I was not buying anything for school since I didn't intend to go back.

Actually what I said was, "It's world war three, I will not flee, so do not buy anything for me!111"

Might have gone gay for a few minutes there.

**9:21 AM**

We just passed a woman with very large breasts. I said, "Got milk?"

And she responded by kicking me in the nuts.

**9:30 AM**

Ron asked if it hurt to be kicked in the nuts because it's never happened to him before. So I helped him out by kicking him there.

**9:50 AM**

Ron had to sit down for a while because he was in so much pain. We went and got our books and when we got back he was still sitting there clutching himself.

V. funny.

**10:00 AM**

Okay, Ron it's getting a little out of hand now. You can probably walk. What a pussy.

"Why can you walk so easy? It's bloody painful, mate." Ron said, still clutching himself.

"You get used to it after a while."

It's true. I've been kicked in the nuts so many times, I have balls of steel.

**10:30 AM**

Picked up robes and things, waved to a few witches and wizards I didn't know. One was so flabbergasted they tripped and had too many things in their hands to hold themselves as they fell. He ended up breaking his nose or something; there was blood everywhere.

Oh self, you are quite incredible.

**11:45 AM**

BORED LETS GO HOME

**11:46 AM**

I have to pee like a fat kid has to have cake.

Wait, what?

**Day Six – 7:00 AM**

OMGZ HURRY UP WEYLL BE LATE TO DA HOGWARTZ EXPRESSZ!

Shut up Mrs. Weasley.

**10:00 AM**

Chillin on the train.

I saw Malfoy and it looks like his testicles have finally dropped.

**10:10 AM**

Neville and Luna manage to find me wherever I go. I was wearing a mask this time, too. They came in together and meekly asked if I was Harry. I tried to say no, but I forgot I was wearing a nametag.

Dayum.

**10:45 AM**

Ron and Hermione popped in to say "Hello!" as did Ginny who said the same thing but 'accidentally' thrust her breasts into my face as she stumbled into our car. And she acts like she doesn't want me.

I had enough self control to not reach out and grab them unlike Neville who was trying to get out to piddle at the same time she was coming in and fell on top of her with his face in between her nungas. She didn't seem to care though.

We all know that if I had done that she would have pretended to be offended and bitched off.

**10:50 AM**

Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle came by to offer us some candy and threats.

Shouldn't they be ferreting around with Death Eaters or something? No one notices that Malfoy tried to kill Dumbledore last year?

As they say: the past is the past.

Or as Ron says: "Get the fuck out you homo."

**11:00 AM**

Went to the bathroom and accidentally stepped on someone. I helped him up, brushed him off, and then asked, "Wait, are you a first year?"

"Yes."

So I pushed him back on the ground and stepped on him again.

I LOVE BEING A 7th YEAR.

**1:00 PM**

Train rides suck. There's nothing to dooooooo.

**6:00 PM**

Basically there. I'm hungry.

**7:00 PM**

Oh it's super fabulous to see everyone again sitting where they belong at their respective houses!

**7:15 PM**

Where the fuck is Dumbledore?

**7:16 PM**

Asked. Everyone gave me these weird looks.

**7:25 PM**

Oh right, he's dead!

I have no idea why that keeps slipping my mind.

**9:30 PM**

As we headed up to Gryffindor Tower, Hermione reminded me that I should pick some more people to come on the Horcrux quest.

Hero, Sidekick, Brain, Slut.

What else do we need?

Passed Draco Malfoy as he walked down the hall in this "I don't care that your grandmother was run over by the lawnmower" type of attitude.

A BAD BOY! Of course!

**9:34 PM**

We asked Malfoy if he wanted to come. He agreed instantly, of course. Probably too stunned by my good looks to say no.

**9:42 PM**

In Gryffindor tower. Let's see. What else do we need?

Noticed Dean Thomas sitting with Seamus and Lavender. Hmmm.

**9:43 PM**

Well, in case we needed to steal something or get through a rough neighborhood, we _could_ use a black guy. They're always fast and excellent at avoiding the law, although we might get stopped every once and a while and be checked for drugs.

We'll take that chance!

**9:46 PM**

Dean is excited to be a part of it.

**9:50 PM**

Hermione suggested Neville and Luna.

I said, "Why?"

Ron asked, "Why?"

She responded, "Because I feel bad for them."

We still weren't sure.

"And we could also sacrifice Neville first if we ever had to."

**9:55 PM**

Neville practically peed his pants when I asked. He ran off to tell Luna the good news.

**10:01 PM**

Hero, Sidekick, Brain, Slut, Bad Boy, Token Black Guy, Fat Kid, Innocent Weird Girl. It feels empty, somehow.

**10:15 PM**

Did you know Ernie Macmillan is Jewish? Me neither!

Invited him.

**10:30 PM**

Everyone has agreed that we should set off tomorrow on our long journey. I have decided to call ourselves the Fellowship of the Bling.

It's just us, now. No help from adults or the ministry. It's just the Hero, Sidekick, Brain, Slut, Bad Boy, Token Black Guy, Fat Kid, Innocent Weird Girl, and the Jew.

Yo Voldie you better watch your back, bitch.


	3. Chpta 3!

**Day Seven – 9:30 AM**

Skipped morning classes to pack for our big trip. Hermione's been having seizures every time she thinks about missing classes. OMGZ WE'S GON GET IN SO MUCH TRUBLE!

Told everyone to meet us on the grounds near Hagrid's cabin. Ernie Macmillan was already there waiting and wearing his star of David like he's hot shit or something. Neville and Luna came next practically sprinting to get to us. Then came Dean wearing an interesting ensemble of all white. I told him politely that he didn't need to try so hard to be Caucasian and patted his arm.

If he was white, he wouldn't be here.

Malfoy showed up wearing tight black leather pants that showed off his bulge. What's he trying to prove? Although I have to congratulate him; even Hermione was giving his crotch a second glance.

**11:07 AM**

Ginny finally decided to show up. That was nice of her. She was decked out in more make up than any human could possibly need.

"I told everyone to be here at 9:30."

"Well, I had to put my make up on," she started, "And I didn't bring it with me so it'll have to last however long we'll be on the trip."

Good Lord. She's not serious, is she?

**11:13 AM**

Everyone else has little backpacks with extra clothes and money and stuff.

Am I the only one who brought four suitcases?

**11:14 AM**

Guess so.

"Well you guys didn't bring any suitcases, so you can carry mine!"

They looked happy as we started walking toward Hogsmeade.

**11:30 AM**

Some hobo off the street got up and stopped us as we walked by. He didn't say anything; he just put a bunch of coins into Ginny's shirt.

Ernie's hand instinctively went down there to get them. He apologized, red faced. We all know he couldn't resist that distinct clang of money.

**11:45 AM**

"Potter, what the hell did you put in these?" Malfoy asked rudely, gesturing to the suitcases.

"Malfoy, as the Chosen One, I need a lot of things on my journey against Voldemort. Maybe you don't understand the responsibility I have, but I'm not going to take the time to explain it to you."

Ron and I slapped high fives!

"So, you brought the porn then."

Wait, what?

How did he know?

**12:05 PM**

Since everyone else is carrying my bags, decided I'd write a list of the things I brought.

Porn

Lube

Condoms (Ginny)

A package of rice

A whip

Handcuffs

How To Make A Man Fall In Love With You – Tracy Cabot

My Panic! at the Disco CD!!!!!!!1

Chapstick

Vacuum cleaner

Spare set of buttons

Polaroid camera

Assorted underwear (boxers, briefs, thongs)

A Family Guy T-Shirt

A violin

Legos

Barbie Car

Santa Claus

Tickle Me Elmo

Twister!

This should pretty much take care of us for the trip.

**2:00 PM**

Everyone's tired. Stopped for lunch at a French restaurant. I didn't want to, but majority won.

So I whined most of the time.

When the waiter came and asked what we wanted, Malfoy responded in French with his "cute" accent.

He's such a tool.

**2:25 PM**

WHERE'S MY FUCKING FOOD?

**2:26 PM**

"Are French people really this slow?"

"We're not in France, Harry, it's not like they're actually French," Hermione said.

"But they speak French."

"That doesn't make them French."

"So you're telling me," I said slowly, "that people who speak Spanish aren't from Spain?"

"Not necessarily," she replied.

"And people who speak Latin aren't from Latin America?"

"Stop being stupid."

"I'm not."

Grouchy now.

When did this 'I don't speak the language of my country' thing happen? Why do we have to make it so complicated for ourselves?

What do Americans speak then?

**2:28 PM**

Ron says that Americans speak gibberish and just shouldn't be bothered with.

Then he "accidentally" knocked his cup over onto Hermione's lap.

**2:31 PM**

"Got our food FINALLY."

Said it out loud by accident. Meant to write it down. You know when that happens? The French guy got all constipated and told me that I should be "cleaning dishes" for that comment.

Is that how the French tell people they're attractive? Cause I don't know why else he'd be talking to me besides complimenting my flawless skin.

**2:32 PM**

Malfoy keeps looking in my diary and giggling.

Well read this!!!!

Are you reading?

Yeah you are.

I had sex with your mom last night.

**2:36 PM**

Ate some of my food.

"What is this, dog shit?"

"Escargot," Hermione answered promptly.

"What is this, horse poop?"

"Escargot."

Luna, who hasn't said anything the whole time we've been out, asks, "Hey, can I try some of that?"

What a creepster.

**3:00 PM**

I was really excited to LEAVE, but Malfoy thought it would be funny to tell the waiter that it was my birthday. I didn't even notice until they crowded around us with the clapping and the singing.

HA HA HA, GOD I THINK THIS IS REALLY FUNNY.

They sang in French, too.

**3:02 PM**

"I told them it was your birthday in French," Malfoy said proudly.

Oh, Malfoy you're such a rebel without a cause.

Such a bad boy

FOR ME TO POOP ON.

**3:15 PM**

The cake was good, though.

**3:18 PM**

We're outtttaaaa here.

"Hey Malfoy, I learned some French."

"Did you, Potter?"

"Yeah. You're a shit head, pardon my French."

**3:19 PM**

Ginny thinks Malfoy and I are going to end up getting together. I laughed lightly, and said, "Nah. He's not the hero type. Malfoy likes the brooding, hook-nosed type. Like Snape."

Ron and I slapped high fives!

"I'm no homosexual, Potter."

"Your pants disagree."

"My pants show off the bulge that you lack!"

Malfoy and Ron slapped high fives!

Wait, what? No, just kidding, I imagined that.

**3:45 PM**

Walking a lonely dirt road leaving civilization behind us.

**3:46 PM**

Neville tried to start a sing along, so I threw a rock at his head.

**4:04 PM**

"Look, our first obstacle," I remarked happily, pointing at the looming mountain in front of us.

"We're not seriously going to climb that, are we?" Ron said, bewildered.

"Well, we can't go around."

"Why not?" Dean asked, always eager for the easy way out.

"Because that's cheating."

"Harry, it's really not necessary," Hermione said reasonably, "It might be quicker to just go around—"

"Fuck you. What kind of Fellowship are we? The lazy, fat kind? No. With the exception of Neville of course."

**4:30 PM**

Climbing up the mountain because I always get what I want.

**5:00 PM**

"Hey Luna, what kind of interesting creatures live on mountains?"

"Well yoffspries live on mountains. They're an interesting breed of half unicorn half rat. They eat human intestines and clean their teeth with bones. But if you wear the right kind of cologne, they'll nuzzle up to you. They're sweethearts, really."

"Oh, Luna. You and your drugs."

**5:30 PM**

Decided to stop and make a little camp for ourselves since it was getting dark and nippy noodles. Set up my air mattress and tent while everyone else went to get firewood and look for fresh water.

We roasted marshmallows instead of eating something healthy.

"Wanna play truth or dare?" Malfoy asked, smirking.

I said, "Sure, why not?"

Ron started us off. "Neville, truth or dare?"

"Uh…um, I uh…well I think it's best if…" And so on and so on for seven minutes. "Truth."

"Have you ever kissed a girl?"

"No."

"Hahahahaha Neville you prude!" Ron laughed nastily.

"I'm not prude," he stammered.

Malfoy put in, "Yeah, come on Weasley, what do you think he and Trevor do all the time?"

Neville blushed.

EWW.

**6:02 PM**

"Truth or dare, Ernie?" I asked, grinning.

"Truth."

"Fine. So how was the sex?"

"What?"

"How was the sex?"

"With who?" he asked, confused.

"J.K."

He looked confused.

"You know, the author? How was the sex?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You must have given her some action. Why else would you be in the book?"

**6:07 PM**

"Truth or dare, Potter," Malfoy had a threatening look on his face.

"Dare."

Everyone ooohed.

"I dare you," the blonde boy started, "I dare you to go to the bathroom and wipe yourself with poison ivy leaves."

I stared. "That's stupid."

"No, it's not. You're just chicken."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Come on, Harry, you've got to do it," Ginny said. "You picked dare."

So I did it.

**6:11 PM**

Itchy bum.

**6:20 PM**

Broke out the alcohol.

"Truth or dare, Giffy," I sputtered, then giggled.

"Dare."

"Kay. I dare you to…SHOW US SOME TITTIES!"

This was met by loud cheers from all the boys and Luna.

**6:25 PM**

"Ginny you have lovely sweater mittens," Ernie hiccupped. "You've got such a curvy figure up top. You're so well proportioned."

"What he means to say," Draco said, almost unaffected by the alcohol, "is that you have huge jugs."

I grinned. "I'll drink to that!"

So we raised our bottles and drank some more.

**6:28 PM**

"Yo Ginny. I'll take you for a ride where dese KKK bitches won't be all over our backs. Where we can take dat shit and no one gonna care. All dese peepz bein ignant and dey don't preciate you girl! Dey just usin' you! White man's tryin to hold us down. I ain't gonna let him. Y'all gonna let him tell you what to do?"

Dean what the fuck are you talking about?

"Girl, girl, girl, shhh…you got a sweet booty."

Then he collapsed.

**6:29 PM**

I'd check for alcohol poisoning, but I really don't care.

**6:50 PM**

"Truth or dare?" Luna asked Hermione.

"Uh…truth."

"What's one of your weird habits, kinks, or just something freaky about you?"

When did Luna become a lesbian? Does she know that God hates gay people?

"Well, I uh, need the boy to brush their teeth before we kiss. And shower before we do anything else."

What? Lame.

YOUR KINK IS NOT OKAY.

**6:53 PM**

Ron just went off to brush his teeth.

**7:30 PM**

Ron and Hermione are making out. He keeps giving me high fives(!) during all this. I'm impressed that he can multi task so well. They'll be moving into a tent in…

5

4

3

2

1

Yep. He's actually picked her up to bring her in the tent. That's romantic.

We've quieted down now, realizing the huge task in front of us: getting laid. Who's next? Will there be a surprise? Will we even remember we're supposed to be looking for Horcruxes?

All these questions and more might be answered on the next page of my super confidential diary.

MALFOY STOP READING THIS.


	4. Chapta Fo

**Day Eight – 8:34 AM**

Woke up to the delightful smell of bacon, eggs, and orange juice. Someone must have cooked breakfast.

Then I realized Ron just farted in my face.

**8:38 AM**

Sucka punched Ron while he was talking to Hermione.

**8:40 AM**

Ginny offered me some bacon, but after what just happened I had to refuse. Ernie was munching happily, and Draco was sitting in the corner looking dark, distracted, and devastatingly debonair.

Holy shit did I just write that? One day in and I'm already going insane.

**8:45 AM**

Luna just rolled around in the dirt. She won't tell us why.

**8:51 AM**

Malfoy tripped Neville and laughed nastily. Ginny looked at him with a strange look in her eyes. SEXUAL TENSION?

"Hey Dean, want to hear a joke?"

"Sure?"

"What do you call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa?"

Dean just stared at me.

"A good start!!!1"

**8:52 AM**

"No, Dean, it was just a joke! Put the gun down!"

**8:53 AM**

Dean killed a squirrel, but Neville ate it before we could do anything with it.

I kicked Neville.

"You fat ass! That could have been dinner for all of us."

Hermione broke us apart, "Harry, Harry, relax. That squirrel had rabies anyway."

**9:00 AM**

Back on the road again. Neville keeps throwing up.

"Dude, would you stop?" Malfoy asked irritably.

"Shut up, Malfoy," I said loudly.

"Go finger your dead mother, Potter."

Stopped. "Wait, what did you just say?" I grabbed him by his shirt. "What did you just say?"

Malfoy looked V. angry, but he just scowled. I let him go.

"Yeah, that's what I thought punk."

**9:05 AM**

"You know I'd kill you Potter if I didn't want to see you get a sexual disease first."

Oh haha Malfoy. Like you don't already have crabs.

**9:07 AM**

Almost to the top of the mountain. It's getting colder. With snow and everything. Malfoy's nose is getting pink; it's super cute really.

EWSHUTUP.

Ernie keeps finding dimes on the ground. How does he spot them??

**1:00 PM**

Everyone's bitching about how hungry they are.

"Harry, can we just fucking drop your suitcases full of porn?" Hermione asked loudly.

"Hey, I brought that for everyone, so shut the hell up."

**1:25 PM**

We found a cave and took a break. Malfoy is drawing obscene pictures on the wall with crayons.

"Where'd you get the crayons from?"

"Your mom."

Oh ha ha.

**1:30 PM**

Dean shot the Abominable Snowman.

**1:33 PM**

Luna is skinning it. We decided to stay in the cave for the night.

"Dean how many shots do you have?"

"As many as I want, nig."

Uh, okay?

**1:69 PM**

Hermione and Ginny made a fire and are cooking the snowman on it.

"If he's a snowman, why does he have hair?" Ron said.

"That's a fabulous question…" I started.

…

"So what's the answer, Harry?"

"Shit, I don't know. I'm not Gandhi, I don't know everything, Ron. Jesus Christ."

**2:10 PM**

Ha, did you notice that the time up there was wrong? I didn't.

**2:11 PM**

69. Haha.

**2:15 PM**

Ron used Malfoy's crayons to color in his Hello Kitty coloring book.

"Ron what's with your sick obsession with Hello Kitty?"

He shrugged. "I just really love Japan."

"Then why don't you marry it?"

Malfoy "ohhed" and Dean was all, "Burrnnnn."

**2:30 PM**

We're waiting for dinner to cook.

"Let's play 'Are you nervous?'" I suggested. "Neville first. On Ginny."

Ginny shrugged, but Neville looked incredibly scared. He started at her calf. "Are you nervous?"

"No."

He moved his hand up a few centimeters. "Are you…nervous?"

"…No."

He was starting to sweat. Neville's hand reached her kneecap. "Are you n-n-nervous?"

"No."

He moved his hand up a centimeter further, then took it off and swore. "Crap, I can't do this!"

Hahahahaha pussy.

**2:45 PM**

"Hey, Ginny, why don't you be a doll and make me a sandwich?"

"Harry, we're making everyone dinner. It'll be ready soon."

"Can you grab me a beer, too? Thanks." I belched.

**2:55 PM**

Ginny won't shut the hell up about this feminist shit.

"—and men are disgusting, slobbery pigs who wouldn't know labor if it kicked them in the ass!"

"Ginny, what I really want to know is where my fucking sandwich is."

**4:00 PM**

"Why isn't our food done?" Malfoy asked, flipping through the pages of 'Jugs.'

"It takes a little while to cook a 400 pound animal," Hermione said, irritated.

"Well if you can hurry it up, that'd be great," I put in and yawned.

"Malfoy, could you cover up that huge erection, maybe?" Ginny asked.

"Nah, you all would know it's happening, what's the point of hiding it?"

"Whoah, Ginny," I started, "way to try to make things awkward. We don't need any more awkward silences. We don't need any more of those fucking gay babies."

Silence.

"Thanks everyone, there's another homosexual to deal with. You guys are assholes."

**6:00 PM**

Our dinner is finally done. Neville set the table like the gay boi he truly is.

There's candles and everything.

**6:10 PM**

Luna knocked over a candle and her sweater caught on fire. No one really cared. She screamed.

"Inside voices, Luna."

She screamed again and Ron smacked her with a newspaper. But then it caught on fire, too.

"Holy shit!" Ron yelled, "my newspaper's on fire!" Everyone looked up and started cussing. Dean shot the newspaper but it didn't help.

I spit on it, but it wasn't enough.

Malfoy grabbed it, threw it on the ground, and stepped on it. Everything calmed down for a second. Ginny looked at him and sighed lovingly.

Then Luna screamed again and Malfoy grabbed her, threw her on the ground, and stepped on her too. And the fire went away.

"Draco," Ginny said with a big smile, "that was so brave."

NOOOOOOOO GINNY SHOULD BE MYNE.

**6:30 PM**

"You guys spent so much time on this piece of meat and it still sucks."

Ginny growled. Seriously.

**6:32 PM**

"Hey, Gin, could you growl at me when we have sex? That would really get me off."

Hermione cleared her throat, "Uh, Harry, probably not appropriate dinner conversation."

"I would just be sticking my penis in your vagina and thrusting and if you could growl I would ejaculate sooner," I continued.

"Oh that's better, Harry," Hermione said sarcastically.

Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor, Hermione.

But what I really said was, "Suck my big black cock."

**7:00 PM**

As the women clear up the table like they were meant to, us men get ready for an early night. We've got a long way to travel in the morning.

We're ready for you, T-Ridz.

Especially with Dean and his trusty gun, Naomi.

I'm not sure why he named it that, but I guess it's a black person thing.

NIGHT!


	5. ChApTa FyVe!

**Day Nine…Technically - 12:47 AM**

Awoke to a "Sound off!" chant.

"I don't know what I been told!" some asshole shouted.

Then a bunch of faggots repeated it.

"Voldemort put me on hold!" Then, "Voldemort put me on hold!"

"I hung up and called again!"

"I hung up and called again!"

"But then he didn't answer the phone!" And, "but then he didn't answer the phone!"

"Sound off,"

"Hate, hate,"

"Sound off,"

"Mate, mate,"

"Hate, hate, mate, mate. Hate, hate! Mate mate!"

What the hell?

**12:55 AM**

Pushed myself up to see everyone standing and looking around, worried.

"Did you hear that?" Hermione asked, shivering.

"Yeah, it didn't fucking rhyme."

"No, Harry," Ginny interrupted, "that's a Death Eater chant."

"How'd they know we were up here?" Ron put in, grabbing his wand out of his pocket.

"They could have followed us," Ernie suggested.

"Or heard Harry making lame sexual advances," Ginny offered.

"You say lame," I responded, smiling sexily, "but you mean erotic and satisfying."

"No, I don't."

"Sure."

"Can we stop this, please?" Hermione cried. "We have a situation here!"

"Maybe, we should send someone out to talk to them," Draco thought. "Nose goes."

There was a scramble of nose touching.

"Oh!" I said, pointing, "Neville! It's you!"

"No, it's not! Dean still doesn't have his finger on his nose!"

Dean shrugged. "White man can't tell me what to do."

"Yeah, well, he has a gun."

**1:00 AM**

We practically had to push Neville out of the cave. He was crying. What a bitch.

Heard some scrambling and shouting outside. Then everything got quiet.

"What do you think's happening?" Ron asked, creeping closer to the entrance of the cave. Ginny followed trying to see out.

"Guys, it's okay!" Neville yelled. "Come out!"

Everyone started to move, but I threw my arm out. "It could be a trap. Luna, go first."

Luna barked (?) and then ran outside.

**1:10 AM**

"It's okay!" she yelled.

Everyone moved forward, but I threw my arm out again. "It could still be a trap. Someone else go."

Dean volunteered Naomi, and threw the gun outside. It was like slow motion. It was quiet as "she" gracefully soared through the air. And BOOM. The gun hit the ground and fired outside. Neville screamed like the little bastard he is.

"Oh nigger fuckin shit playa hata skatizzle cracker please!!" Dean had evolved to a more retarded way of speaking and everyone started to run toward the cave opening.

"Wait!"

They stopped and turned around.

"It could be a trap."

"Harry, shut the fuck up," Ginny said and lead everyone outside.

**1:12 AM**

Outside. Chillin with some Death Eaters.

"Yo, so guys, what the fuck? I mean, seriously, what the hell are you guys doing out here?"

"Voldemort was all, 'Go get Harry Potter,' and we were like 'Yeah!' but then we found some weed."

**1:14 AM**

"So, like, you guys have any more?"

The Death Eater closest to me grinned all slow-like. "Anything for you Scar-Head."

**1:22 AM**

Lying down, observing the Heavens.

"You guys ever notice how, how _big_ the moon is?"

Ron giggled. "It's dancing."

I rolled over. "Ron, Ron, Ron, pffff, you're so gone, man. So gone. Like in a galaxy far far away."

He rolled over to face me. "I am, Harry. But you know what? I feel like I'm talking to God, man. And he's saying, 'Ron, keep it up, Ron. Chin up. Keep muddling through.'"

"Damn good advice."

"Fuck yeah."

"Shit."

"Bitch."

"Sexual intercourse."

"Pfffffff hahaha gross."

**12:41 PM**

"Harry, wake up!"

Suddenly I was all wet. Hot. But actually, I was wet because Hermione poured water on me. She was all huffy-puffy and, "We're on a mission, Harry, we don't have time for your little drug trips."

"Oh, but we have time to stop by the pharmacy to get medicine for your yeast infection? Okay, Hermione, that's fair."

"Harry! I told you that in confidence!"

**5:00 PM**

Reached the top of the mountain.

"Does anyone have a flag?" I asked hopefully.

Everyone searched their pockets and then shrugged.

"How are we supposed to mark this mountain as ours?"

"It's not ours," Hermione pointed out pessimistically.

"Yeah, there's like seven other flags up here," Ernie said.

I ripped the flags out, threw them on the ground, and stepped on them.

"Not anymore."

Hermione sighed, "Real mature Harry."

Ron's face lit up, "Maybe we could pee on the mountain, you know, like dogs. And black people."

**5:02 PM**

Squattin.

Dean seemed to know what he was doing.

**5:04 PM**

I claim this mountain in the name of English piss.

**5:32 PM**

"Dean, how many times have you gotten arrested?"

He started shootin up the place.

"If I wanted Naomi to answer the question, I would've asked her."

**6:07 PM**

We made camp in another cave and I thought I saw some Indians, but they were really bear poopies. Not sure how I mixed those two up.

**6:10 PM**

Malfoy won't shut up about the whole Indian/poop thing. Anyone could've made the same mistake. Everyone's just really glad I pointed it out before they did.

Bitch slapped Malfoy.

Ron and I slapped high fives!

**7:00 PM**

Ate some nutritious canned bread.

"This is complete shit, whose idea was this?"

"Harry, you brought the bread," Ginny pointed out.

Ahaha she's right. I thought it would be funny to make other people eat wet, soggy, canned bread. But then I ate it, too.

**7:00 and 42 Seconds PM**

NOT THAT FUNNYYYY ANYMORE

**7:02 PM**

Ew diarrhea.

**7:45 PM**

"Yo, Harry, so what's up with these Horcruxes man?" asked Ron while he flossed his teeth. Hermione smiled approvingly and then licked her lips. Gross.

I looked at him seriously, "What's a Horcrux?"

**8:02 PM**

Hermione re-explained this Horcrux business.

"Okay, so there's seven Horcruxes. Dumbledore got the ring. And I got the diary."

I grinned around to everyone. Ron and I slapped fives! Malfoy and I slapped fives! Ernie and I slapped fives! Dean shot my shoulder!

**8:05 PM**

Clutching my shoulder.

"Ow, Dean, seriously! What the fuck, man? What the fuck?"

"Sorry, Harry. It's like a reflex. I thought you were gonna strike me. White man trying to keep me down."

"Don't you have a safety for that or something?"

"There's no safety when there's racists involved."

He raised his fist in the air.

**8:10 PM**

"Harry, let me heal that for you," Hermione said business-like. "Roll up your sleeve."

So I did. And I flexxzed cause Ginny was giving me the eye.

"I kind of look like one of those bad ass bikers, right? They wear leather vests with no sleeves and collect tats like women."

"Harry stop flexing, you have to relax your muscle if you want me to heal it."

"I'm not flexing! This is how it really looks. Shut up, Hermione, you jerk."

**8:30 PM**

"So back to Horcruxes. We're not sure if the locket has actually been destroyed, since the one you found with Dumbledore was a fake, right?" Hermione asked, filing papers and closing her briefcase. No, I imagined that, jk.

"Right," I replied, watching Malfoy watch Ginny chew her fingernails.

Then Kreacher arrived and told us about Regulus Black and the locket and everything else we needed to know! And then Kreacher got Mundungus? who told us that Dolores Umbridge had the locket!!!

"That was convenient."

"Wow, Umbridge has the locket! That means that we need to break into the Ministry!!!" Hermione yelled, excited for some reason.

"I think all the Horcruxes are in Hogwarts," I said, offering my ALWAYS RIGHT opinion.

"Harry, Kreacher just said Umbridge has the locket," Hermione reasoned.

"So that one isn't in Hogwarts," Ginny added.

"No, I'm positive all the Horcruxes are in Hogwarts. Because Dumbledore taught me everything about Voldemort and I know how he thinks." I tapped my head. "So stop being a know-it-all Hermione."

"I wonder if house-elves can have babies?" Luna asked dreamily.

Malfoy slapped her and she fell to the floor cowering. "LUNA CALM DOWN! It's too early to start losing it!"

**8:45 PM**

"So let's plan on making a plan on how to get into the Ministry tomorrow," Hermione said.

"You mean Hogwarts."

"No."

"Well that's where the Horcruxes are."


	6. Da Plot Thickenz

**Day Ten!**

**7:00 AM**

Woke up because someone was poking me.

I looked up so I could bitch slap whoever it was, but when my eyes adjusted to the light, I saw the one and only Tom Marvolo Riddle bending over me.

**7:01 AM**

JK!

Actually it was just Ernie, but he was all sweaty and panting.

"Hermione told me to get you. Time to make a plan."

**7:05 AM**

Fell back asleep accidentally.

**7:14 AM**

Someone was kicking me.

"Harry, wake up! Come on, we have to plan!!" Nag, nag, nag. Oh my God, I wonder who that could possibly be?

"Hermione, ten more minutes, please."

Bitch nag blah fag—some shit I didn't listen to.

"I was plowing Jessica Simpson. You're a little bastard."

**7:20 AM**

We were all sitting around a rock in the cave. Hermione was scribbling something down on a piece of paper. Then Ron yawned. And after that, Ernie, who was sitting next to him, yawned. And then down the line. And it got to me, and I had an inexplicable desire to yawn! So I did!

Wow.

**7:23 AM**

Started the yawn-down-the-line again. Giggled.

**7:24 AM**

I'm feeling quite powerful now.

**7:26 AM**

Scratched my crotch and looked eagerly at Malfoy to my left. But nothing happened.

Damnit.

**7:29 AM**

"Okay, guys," Hermione started, "Umbridge has the Horcrux. We don't know where she lives and it would be impossible to get into her house anyway, so we're going to have to see if she has it in her office at the Ministry."

"How are we supposed to do that?" Ron inquired. "Harry's a wanted criminal, you and Dean are Muggleborns, Neville's lame, and Malfoy's dad is sucking You-Know-Who's cock."

**7:34 AM**

After a brief scuffle, Ron had a split lip and a black eye. Malfoy, on the other hand, was only panting slightly. What a bad ass.

"Yo, man, it was just a figure of speech, you know? Like he's You-Know-Who's servant, BFF, right hand man, you get me, right?"

Malfoy shrugged. "So that would mean you suck Potter's cock, then?"

Ron made to hit Malfoy, but Ernie grabbed his arms.

I gasped. "Ron, is this true?"

**7:40 AM**

Hermione cleared her throat. "Anyway…we're going to need some Polyjuice Potion and some people to be distractions."

"Well, since you, Harry, and I know what the locket looks like, we should be the ones to go and get it," Ron suggested. "Malfoy too cuz he's such a rebel."

"Neville should come too in case one of us needs to die."

"Good idea, Harry," Hermione said. "Ron and I will go steal some hairs from Ministry workers, and the rest of you can think up a distraction."

She grabbed Ron's hand and Apparated.

SEXUAL TENSION?

"Wow, so uh, a distraction?" I scratched my luscious locks. "Ginny could flash everyone."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Ernie replied, happy that the distraction wouldn't cost him any money.

"I would be distracted," Dean said.

"She'll be under Polyjuice Potion though, she could end up as some old fat chick with sagging boobs," Malfoy put in, always the pessimist.

Hmm. Thought some more.

"Let's go play Twister."

**9:00 AM**

Everyone was so twisted and tied up with each other! It was so crazy! I'm gay and I saw Malfoy's big cock and got excited and then let it out all over Ernie's back. But that's okay cause I'm Harry Potter and I could puke on Dumbledore's dead and rotting face and it would be A-Okay!!

Twister is so much fun! I'm a big homo!

- Hairy Pooper

**9:01 AM**

I DIDN'T WRITE THAT!!!

**9:06 AM**

Crying.

Malfoy's the homo.

**9:15 AM**

Hermione's finally back.

"Holy shit, where'd you go? Thailand?"

"We went to the Ministry to get hairs for the Polyjuice Potion, Harry," Hermione said briskly. "I told you that before we left."

Annoyed. "That was me complaining because you took so fucking long."

"You're not funny, Harry," Hermione stated.

"What? Is this opposite day? Shut up Hermione, you're not ugly. You're not stupid. You're not annoying and most likely a fascist."

"Do you even know that is?"

"What what is?"

"A fascist."

"What?"

"Exactly," she said with a satisfied little smirk.

"You're a faggot. Do you know what that is?"

Dayummmmm torched bitch!!!! Ron and I slapped high fives!

**9:23 AM**

"Okay, so Ron and I stole five name tags and you can decide on names—doesn't really matter," Hermione said.

"Can I be Grindelwald?" Ron asked excitedly.

"No, he's dead."

"Can I be Dumbledore?" I wanted to know.

"Did you guys think of a distraction?" Hermione inquired.

"We played Twister," Ginny said.

"I won." Dean raised his fist proudly.

"WONDER WHY? Hey, Dean, maybe we could play fair if you put the fucking gun away," I suggested.

"Well, I don't remember slavery being fair."

"Slavery wasn't a game."

"It was to you," Dean said softly, "it was to you."

**12:00 PM**

Boring boring day. Hermione talked and talked about this plan or whatever. Something about pretending and Dean and guns or something. I don't really care.

Every time she turned her back I threw a spitball in her hair.

I wonder how long it will take her to notice?

**8:00 PM**

Hermione screamed. "Oh God, what the hell is in my hair?"

Giggled.

**8:35 PM**

Just made the nametags. They're fabulous.

**9:30 PM**

Early to bed, early to rise, something something when I shit there are flies.

Yeah, I think that's right.

**Day Eleven - 6:00 AM**

"Yo, Harry, wake up—it's time!"

Ron was pulling on his shirt quickly, obviously excited for the day's activities since we were actually doing something for once. I pushed myself out of bed, concealing my MORNING WOOD, and changed into my lucky underwear, which coincidentally, have my face on them.

Grabbed the nametags and went to breakfast.

**6:07 AM**

Passed out the nametags while everybody was eating.

"Here Malfoy."

"Jack MeHoffPlz?" Malfoy asked, staring at his nametag with distaste. "This is my nametag?"

"I picked some random names that I thought would fit in well at the Ministry."

Handed Neville his nametag.

"Uh, Harry, I feel like this name wouldn't be a good idea," Neville said, trembling as he attached it to his shirt.

"Yeah, do you think you're trying to be funny?" Ernie demanded.

"It's a completely respectable name, guys. Adolf. It's like the new name now. Like how Brittany was really popular a few years ago? Now it's Adolf."

"So I guess it's a coincidence the last name is Hitler, then?"

Hermione asked, "Where's mine Harry?"

"Here." I handed it to her.

"That's not funny!"

"Hermione, it's a name. 'What's in a name? That which we call a shit fuck I don't care.'"

"Ima Bytche? You're not trying to say anything by this?"

"Of course not, Hermione. Just a random name."

Ron started whining. "Why do I have to be Posh Spice?"

"I'm scared to ask," Ginny started, "what's yours?"

I pinned mine to my shirt proudly.

"Harry, I said no to that," Hermione objected.

"No, no, you didn't. You said no to Grindelwald."

"Harry, Dumbledore's dead," Luna pointed out, "don't you think people will notice?"

"Dumbledore's dead?"

**6:45 AM**

Apparated to the Ministry to creep and attack the people we stole hairs from. We so clever.

"So, we're going to kill them, right?" Malfoy wanted to know.

"No, just knock them out," Hermione corrected.

One of the men came around the corner whistling. Hermione pulled out her wand, but Dean shot him instead. The guy shrieked and fell over clutching himself.

"Dean!" Hermione yelled.

"What? It's easier this way."

"Well where do we put him now?"

**6:51 AM**

Stuffing that bitch in the dumpster with Malfoy.

"Smells like shit," I noticed.

"You smell like shit."

Damn.

**6:52 AM**

Dean has impeccable aim. There was a crowd and he managed to down four of the people easily. And nobody even noticed when we dragged the bodies out of their way.

Loves it!

What?

**7:00 AM**

Drinking some Polyjuice Potion. It goes down like a throw down at some drunk chick's house where everyone is breaking shit and stuff and someone starts vomiting on the sofa which sucks a little bit cause I can't sit there and then the music is too loud and there's screaming because someone tripped down the stairs and then the cops come and we all go to jail.

AKA it was hard to drink.

**7:06 AM**

Ginny is a very old woman as of now. She is still wearing her old clothes and I can see the cellulite and wrinkles struggling to break through the fabric of her super tight skirt. She has literally one eyebrow; the other one looks shaved off.

Hermione is smirking for some reason.

Ron is bald and portly, while Draco is incredibly short and skinny. I am tall, but I have an air of flamboyancy about me. Neville is overweight with a huge nose and cankles.

"Neville, you look…good…" No, but what I really said was, "Whoah, what a conk! I could fit my fist in your nostril!"

**7:10 AM**

Dean managed to stay the same color. I asked Hermione why and she said he and Naomi threatened her and now she doesn't like to talk to him as much.

"Why? What did he say?"

"Something along the lines of, 'If you don't keep me a black man, I'm going to shove Naomi up your ass. But not in the pleasurable way.'"

I love Dean.

**7:13 AM**

We're all standing in front of the Ministry now, holding hands. The Fellowship of the Bling. We're scared for our lives, worried for each other, and also wondering what's for lunch. This is it. The big moment.

Dolores Umfridge here we come.

I took a deep breath and we walked inside.

**7:13 and 4 seconds AM**

Haha Umfridge.


	7. Ch7! The Plan Unfolds

Day Eleven CoNtInUeD

**Day Eleven CoNtInUeD!**

**7:14 AM**

This was it. The Fellowship of the Bling was about to infiltrate the Ministry of Magic.

I walked inside and tripped. Damnit. So super embarrassing.

"What's the use of one fucking stair? They could at least have put a sign up or something like 'Watch your step!!' But no, they probably have a secret room where everyone comes and just sits and watches people trip on that goddamn stair. Then they have a nice little laugh about it and go about their day. Jesus Christ. I hate this place already."

**7:15 AM**

Hermione cleared her throat obnoxiously and pulled on my sleeve. "Wow, Harry, you really understand the plan don't you? We're supposed to be subtle."

"Who's not subtle now? My name's Dumbledore, bitch. You just about ruined it."

"Whoah," Malfoy said suddenly. "What was the plan again?"

"Shit, I forget too," I added.

"We just talked about this an hour ago," Hermione complained. "You have to be kidding me."

"I remember the plan," Dean offered.

"Thank God, well just do what you're supposed to do Dean, and we'll follow along."

**7:16 AM**

Dean just pulled down a ski mask and cocked (haha) Naomi. And in that instant, his aura turned from amiable but easily angered black friend to dangerous stranger. And I was afraid.

Hermione kept trying to pull me in a different direction, but my eyes were glued to that man in the ski mask. He spelled trouble. "Yo, Hermione, who is that?"

"Harry, that's Dean."

I giggled. "Why would Dean be wearing a ski mask? That's so silly."

"The plan?"

Then 'Dean' shot three warning shots into the air and yelled in a gruff voice, "THIS IS A STICK UP! NOBODY MOVE!"

The whole room froze. Wizards and witches dropped to the ground crying and screaming, wands forgotten in the mayhem. 'Dean' approached the counter where a secretary sat staring at him. He pulled out a bag and shoved it in her face and yelled slowly. "PUT THE MONEY! IN THE BAG!"

"Um, sir? This isn't a bank. We don't keep money in here."

"I SAID PUT THE MONEY BITCH!"

"Harry, come on!" Hermione tried to drag me toward Ron and Draco who were staring dumbfounded with their hands in the air.

"What are you doing?!" I screamed. "He said not to move!!"

"That's the distraction douchebag. Now we go find Umbridge and get the Horcrux."

I turned my attention back to the robber and the secretary. She was cowering with the gun in her face. "Really sir, I swear, we don't have any money back here."

"FINE. NOBODY MOVE!" He swerved around and shot three more times randomly, the bullets ricocheting off the ceiling and walls. "PUT YOUR SHIRT! IN THE BAG!"

"My shirt?" the secretary echoed, confused. "But why?"

"YO JUST DO IT BITCH. IF I AINT GETTIN MONEY I BETTA BE SEEIN SOME TITTIES. IN THE BAG!!"

Hermione made a sudden movement and 'Dean' swerved around and pointed the gun at her. "Don't take one step slut."

"Dean, it's me…Hermione?"

"I don't care if you're fucking Tyra even though that'd be really cool for me right now I said don't. take. one. step."

Hermione yelled. "THE PLAN DEAN! THE PLAN!"

"Bitch I plan to punch you in the face if you don't shut the fuck up."

Malfoy and Ron 'Ohhhed' and 'Burrnnnned' and 'Torched yo ass!' behind me. I grinned.

The robber was not as amused. "Ayo Posh, where's Beck? Where's he hiding? His soccer skills ain't much help now, ain't they?"

"Dude, I'm not really Posh. It's me, Ron."

"Ron you're ruining our cover! You might as well just point out that Dumbledore's dead and that since both you and Hermione are in this building, I'm probably Harry Potter. JESUS!"

People's heads lifted off the ground slowly as they read my nametag. "Hey, look at that guy's nametag!"

A redheaded bitch rose to a kneeling position. "That's not Dumbledore!"

"Dumbledore's dead!" someone else yelled. "That guy's a phony!"

"They already mentioned Ron and Hermione, so the only sensible conclusion is that must be Harry Potter under the cloak of a Polyjuice Potion!" a man said from behind me.

"You guys are stupid," I argued. "That's not right at all. Dumbledore's not dead."

"HEY WHAT YOU BITCHES CHATTIN BOUT THIS IS A FUCKIN STICK UP. IT AIN'T A PUBLIC FORUM WHERE YA'LLS GET TO VENT YO PROBLEMS AND SHIT. I'M STEALING SHIT. THAT'S WHATS GOIN ON AND YOU ALL BEIN REAL DISRESPECTFUL RIGHT NOW WHEN YOU NOT PAYIN ATTENTION TO ME. THAT'S NOT OKAY. AND I HAVE PATIENCE, Y'KNOW? LIKE I'M WAITIN FOR THIS CONVERSATION TO PASS, BUT U GUYS JUST KEEP ON GOIN. WHAT THE FUCK?! I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE MY LIVING MAN, THIS IS SHIT THAT YOU GOTTA TAKE THE SPOTLIGHT AND FUCKING TALK ABOUT SOME OLD FAG WHO'S DEAD NOW AND IT DON'T EVEN MATTA SO IMMA SHOOT A BITCH AND I HOPE YOU ALL FEEL IT!" and then 'Dean' shot at an obese man with large nostrils.

"Dean, it's me! It's Neville!"

And then he shot again.

**7:30 AM**

One of the far doors opened and Dolores Umbridge stepped through. She looked pretty ugly and stuff I noticed. I wasn't into it.

"What's going on?" she asked. That bitch.

"HEY SHUT UP WHORE THIS IS A STICK UP. YO GIMME THAT NECKLACE IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S WORTH SOME MONEYZ."

"But I really like this necklace."

'Dean' walked over to her waving his gun like a gay-pride flag. He stuck it next to her head and said to her softly, "I don't care if that necklace was from your black grandma who was the only one in your family who treated you like a real nigger and made some mad good shepherd's pie when I was sick yesterday. I don't care if that necklace was from Jesus and he told you that if you lost that necklace, the world would come to an end because it needed to be handled very carefully and all that wine he made you would turn back into water and that would suck because you were planning a really elaborate dinner party for Saturday and that shit was important. I don't care. Give me that fucking necklace cause this is a fucking stick up bitch."

And so she gave him the necklace. He bolted fasta than a cheetah!

We stood there, amazed, as the Polyjuice Potion wore off. Umfridge gave me a look of pure loathing.

What does loathing even mean? I've read it so many fucking times that I just felt like using it. Holla!!

**7:36 AM**

Hermione followed him so I did too after I waved, signed a few autographs, and blew kisses. Why'd we go undercover again? It was so much more fun when everyone knew who I was!

Love being famous!! Teehee.

**7:40 AM**

The Fellowship of the Bling followed Hermione into a jewelry store around the corner where we found that robber, still in his mask, trying to sell the necklace.

"This is fucking from the Jurassic period in France, you know? Like the sixteen hundreds. Like that king Lewis, that guy wore this shit. I know, I know, it's a necklace right? He was gay. But he wore it and he was a king and this is worth a lot of gold don't mess man."

"Are you going to rob me?" The guy behind the counter asked nervously.

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M GOING TO FUCKING ROB YOU?! CRACKA, JUST CAUSE I'M A BLACK MAN IN A CITY DOESN'T MEAN I'M ABOUT TO ROB YOU. RACIST! JESUS. I'M TRYIN TO MAKE A GOOD DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW BUT IF YOU AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT THEN yeah I'm gonna fucking rob you man. So take it or leave it."

Hermione reached over and pulled his ski-mask off his face. It was Dean! Fresh faced and youthful. He blinked a few times, looked at us, looked at the Horcrux in his hand and then held it out to me.

"Yo Harry, here's the Horcrux man."

"Thanks Dean."

"No problem."

Then we did our intensely complicated handshake that Dean learned in the ghetto in the Bronx (!!) and we left the store.

**7:55 AM**

Walking and talking. Trying to figure out how to destroy this stupid necklace piece of shit.

"Oh no, where's Neville?!" Luna shrieked.

"That robber shot him," Malfoy replied with a smile.

"Dean shot him," Hermione corrected, annoyed.

Dean took out Naomi and shoved it in her face. "Whoah, Hermione, what the fuck are you talking about? You think cause I was the only black guy in the room that, 'Hey, he must have been the robber!' Well you racist. And I ain't into it."

GREAT. THANKS HERMIONE. That's all we need—a grumpy black guy with a gun. That's how numerous American presidents have been killed.

**8:00 AM**

Still walking.

Ginny asked, "So, like, are we going to get Neville?"

"He'll find his way," I responded intelligently, patting her breast with a knowledgeable air.

"Find his way where?"

"There."

Then she got all huffy puffy and fed up. What kind of answer do you want, Ginny? NO, we're not going back to Neville because it would be a waste of time, he's too injured to continue on, and I hate him. That's so lame.

**8:02 AM**

"Haha, you know what?" Ron asked.

"What?" I replied.

"Luna's the new Neville!!"

Everyone cheered and laughed and Luna groaned. "Luna's the new Neville! Hahahah!!"

"Oh God, that sucks for you," I said.

And with one member gone, the Fellowship marches on, unfazed.


	8. CHAPTER 8 Don't H8

Hi there all you cool cats! It's been awhile indeed, but that's what happens when you go to a new college and blahblah. Firstly, I hope you like this chapter. I know it's a little out of order, but I started this fanfiction before the last book came out and am now trying to make it work.

Secondly, I want to thank anyone who's reviewed this, anyone who's reblogged this (and I know exactly who you are because I recently googled the story and clicked on all of you – absolofruitley creepy—I'm aware), anyone who has put this on their Favorites or submitted this to some kind of contest, and simply anyone who has taken the time to read through this. I love you all and I'm so into you (sexually); I can't even explain. So THANK YOU.

So now, I have some things to ask of you, all you faithful readers, all you sometimes readers, all you first-time readers:

1. I just started blogging in an attempt to turn my internet obsession into something… I don't know what kind of something, but definitely something in general. Therefore, if you blog, send me your info. We'll subscribe to each other. It'll be beautiful. Mine's on my profile; check it out!

2. If anyone knows who MOOGLEFTW is and for some reason has his email, please let me know! I stumbled upon this genius while looking for a YouTube clip of Navi saying, "Hey, listen!" (I was missing OOT so hard on account of my mother disposing of my Nintendo64) and I have fallen in love with this person's sense of humor and their voice. And if you all don't know who this guy is, then I suggest you look him up. Even if you're not into video games, the experience is worth it because he's so goddiggitydamn funny.

3. I recently(ish) published the Super Confidential Diary on CollegeHumor. Check it out, if you feel the need to see a picture of me/read a revamped version/see a sick photo of DanRad! Like it/comment if you're a CollegeHumor member thang.

That is all: ENJOY

* * *

**8:15 AM**

Walking through London with the gang, oohing and awwing at all the sights. There's a huge ass clock and this church owned by a minister in the west or something? I don't care, cobbled streets piss me off. I can't stop tripping.

The buildings are kind of old and impressive though. And the homeless people make really great comments—mostly about Ginny.

"Nice ass, baby."

"Have any bills tucked into that bra?"

"Gimme a fiver and I'll cum for you."

"I'd feast on your pussy—it'd be the best meal I got in days."

"Your teats hold more sustenance than the average dairy cow."

That last one was Luna actually, which was unexpected but not necessarily surprising.

**8:24 AM**

Was just tricked into buying a group of homeless dudes McDonald's meals.

I said to Ginny, "I'm too nice and giving for my own good."

She craned her neck to see into the diary and laughed. "Harry, you didn't buy them meals. You threw the other half of your cheeseburger at one of their heads because there was a hair in it. Stop trying to make yourself seem like a good person."

?

She's on her period. None of that was true.

**8:30 AM**

Bet you're all confused, now, aren't you? Which story is the REAL story?

**8:35 AM**

Lol – Ginny's version, duh. I can't keep a straight face when I'm lying.

**8:35 and 15 seconds AM**

But fuck, this isn't a video diary. It's a diary diary.

Too lazy to go erase everything.

**9:04 AM**

Looking at puppies in a pet shop for some reason. All of the girls won't stop giggling and shrieking about the fucking puppies. This is exactly why women don't deserve to be paid the same salary as men.

"So…what do we do next?" Ron asked me, picking his nose with his pinky finger like a true gentleman.

"Why do I have to answer all the questions?" I whined.

"You haven't answered any, actually," Hermione put in from behind us.

While I pondered this factually inaccurate insult, we watched Luna climb over the glass separating humans from animals and drop herself into the dog pen.

"There was a door, Luna," Ginny said unhelpfully.

She hissed in response. Well, alright.

"Let's go to Hogwarts," I suggested, "we can get the rest of the Horcruxes there."

"One, you're wrong," Hermione listed bitchily, "two, we don't know how to destroy them, and three, going to Hogwarts would be a suicide mission."

"Let's figure out how to destroy them, then," Malfoy drawled. "What do we know about the locket?"

Ernie grabbed it from my hand and tried to pry it open and see if there was any money inside, but it was futile. "Doesn't open."

Hermione took out her wand and tried a few complex spells to open or just to destroy it. Her face was screwed up in concentration and she accidentally farted as she tried to turn the stupid thing intangible. Face red while the rest of us gasped for air because of the smell, she said weakly, "Magic doesn't help."

Draco snatched it from her vile hands and threw the locket on the ground and stomped on it a few times. He shrugged, leaned back against the wall, and looked around, bored and sexy. "Can't destroy it by force—not that I care really. Heil the Dark Lord."

As a last resort, Dean unsheathed Naomi and shot the locket. Nothing happened. "No good—it's wearing a bullet-proof vest."

We all sighed. Rather, they all sighed. I was across the room poking a pug in the face. How do they fit so many wrinkles?

**9:16 AM**

Luna crawled over the glass again, this time with one of those ratdog mixes in her arms.

She held it out to me and said, "Look, it's the new Neville!"

Everyone broke out into pitying/uproarious (lolol thesaurus) laughter. Then it got serious. Ron put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "Luna, you're the new Neville. You'll always be."

"Always?" she peered up at him through her unwashed bangs.

"Always and forever."

Her head was tilted up to his, lips slightly open begging to be kissed hungrily. There was pain in both of their eyes as Ron's hand slid down from Luna's shoulder, bypassing her elbow but pausing for a tenth of a second, as if he wanted to pull her closer and never let her go. Her big doe eyes became glassy as they stared at each other; she, brushing a soft strand of his tousled red hair behind his ear, he biting his lip and closing his eyes slightly in defeat. They could no longer ignore the truth that weighed down on their shoulders.

Watching them felt like interrupting the most sacred of lovers' interactions, like walking in during the pivotal part of a love story. It was watching a couple try futilely to fight the forces of nature, and despite every effort, despite their unwavering, passionate love, it could never possibly work because the Luna is the new Neville.

"However," I said, grabbing the dog from Luna and inspecting it, "this dog will be the newest member of the Fellowship."

"What's his name?" Ernie asked.

Malfoy casually bent over and put in, "Her name."

I cleared my throat. "His name is Mr. Gorbachev."

"Her name," Malfoy repeated.

"Whatever."

**9:30 AM**

A crazy looking dude stopped us on the street. Mr. Gorbachev barked his ass off when he pulled at my jacket. I looked at the man disdainfully, fumbled in my pocket, and gave him some change.

"You fuckers are robbing me, and I'm too nice to say no. Pretty soon I won't be able to afford my weekly blowout. This hair doesn't style itself, you greedy assholes."

"I don't want your change," the man said, giving it back to me and stroking his golden beard with weird emphasis.

"What do you want, then?" Ron asked.

"My name is Rufus Scrimgeour; I'm the new Minister of Magic."

"Are you now?" Hermione responded, unimpressed.

"We don't take too kindly to the Ministry, you see," I said, holding my fist up.

"Are you threatening me?" Scrimgeour asked, shrinking away from my fist.

"No, no, _look_," I said, showing him the scar Umfridge had given me—'I must not like dogs'—and I flexed and unflexed my hand as he admired my almost perfect skin.

"Oh, I heard about that—you know, it doesn't look too bad, to be honest."

"Oh gosh, you're too nice, but it's all thanks to two years of intensive hand creaming. Four times a day, five to ten minutes of rubbing. There was so much cream involved—you have no idea."

"I can bet."

"—and the pleasure you feel afterwards? Just the way it feels when you finish?—Indescribable."

"I don't know why I feel so uncomfortable," Ginny said to herself, confused.

"Minister, what do you want?" Malfoy asked, getting to the point.

He stroked his beard again, looking around at us creepily. "What animal do I remind you of?"

"A…human?" Malfoy volunteered.

"Go deeper."

"A human being."

"Yeah, I see that," Ron said, nodding.

"No, no, fuck you both. An animal. Like a lion—do I remind you of a lion?"

"I'd describe you maybe as a platypus," Dean put in, helpfully.

"Or a spider monkey," I said.

"You don't see—a lion? My beard doesn't strike you as a metaphor for a mane?"

"Maybe a homeless lion," Malfoy replied.

"Oh, yeah, I see that," Ron said, nodding.

"Yeah, and your beard is a metaphor for all the shaving you could be doing, but can't because you're homeless and don't have a sink," Hermione offered enthusiastically.

**9:37 AM**

"Listen, shut up," Scrimgeour said. "I have something to give you Harry, Ron, and Hermione. You were left some items in Dumbledore's will."

"His will?" Hermione asked. "He died awhile ago; why are we learning about this now?"

"We had to inspect the items first."

Hermione looked upset about this fact and said something about an invasion of privacy, against the law, blah blah but I had to interrupt: "Wait, wait. Dumbledore's dead?"

**9:41 AM**

"Well, Hermione, Dumbledore left you this book: _The Tales of Beedle and the Bard_. Why do you think he did so?" Scrimgeour handed her the children's book.

"Well, he knew I liked to read."

Scrimgeour frowned, easily bested by facts. "Harry, Dumbledore left you this Snitch—the first Snitch you ever caught. Why did he do that?"

"Well, he knew I liked the first Snitch I ever caught."

Once again, it was too good of an argument. "Ron, Dumbledore left you this Deluminator. Why did he do that?"

Ron grabbed the lighter from Scrimgeour and stared at it with awe. "He—he knew I liked to turn on lights." And with that, Ron, tears in his eyes, turned off the lights in the puppy store and turned them back on again.

Scrimgeour left, looking annoyed. Dumbledore did whatever the fuck he wanted, who cares?

**9:46 AM**

Hermione does, apparently. "Harry, _don't you see_? Dumbledore might have left these as clues—for the Horcruxes!"

"What are Horcruxes?"

"Shut up."

"Wait," Ron interrupted, looking at Hermione. "You mean, maybe Dumbledore left these for us for a reason? That's what I thought when I picked up the Deluminator—I said to myself, Ron—Ron—Dumbledore left you this lighter for a reason. You need to do something with this lighter. I think—Hermione, I think he wanted me to smoke."

"Ron, shut up."

"No," I said softly, "come on, that makes perfect sense. Ron is pretty uncool and Dumbledore felt bad for him. If Ron was cooler, we could find the Horcruxes quicker—and there's nothing cooler than smoking."

"Do you ever listen to yourself when you talk?"

"Only sometimes."

**10:15 AM**

Ron bought his first packet of cigarettes. And also a leather jacket, hair grease, and toothpicks, lots of toothpicks.

He's standing on the corner, one leg casually lifted up against the wall. He's looking around with an ease that says 'I own this place' although we have never been in this area before. Every time he brings the cigarette to his mouth, he starts coughing and can't stop for about thirty seconds and then his eyes are all red and teary.

I have a good feeling about this Horcrux search.


	9. Chapter 9 iz pretty fine

Well, howdy. Here's an update! Hope you enjoy! And if you want more frequent hilarity/stupidity (your choice, really), follow my tumblr! The link's on my profile.

Special thanks to Maggle for everything. But mostly for forgiving me after I blamed that fart on her in fourth grade. I still get nightmares about it.

**2:07 PM**

The lights were low, the air was smoky, and we were all squashed in one booth at the cheapest-looking pub I'd ever seen. Hermione had insisted on us hiding in plain sight, on lying low, until the Ministry stopped searching for us. I took one look at the name "Wicked Willy's," saw the plastic pirate waving at us in the window, and we had our hiding spot.

"Couldn't you have picked a place that passed the sanitation inspection?" Hermione asked, never content with anything around her ever.

"Did you see the sign, Hermione?" I asked, politely.

She looked confused. "Yes, why?"

"DID YOU SEE THE SIGN?"

"I just answered that question."

"What did it say?"

"Time flies when…you're having…rum."

"Exactly; so drink your rum and shut the fuck up."

"That has nothing to do with the cleanliness of the establishment."

And then suddenly, Mr. Gorbachev climbed up onto the table, trotted over to Hermione and sat staring at her. He said, in an oddly higher voice than I expected—he would make a great tenor—he said, "Listen, Bella Swan; we already ordered our food. So you can just sit tight and brush the cockroaches off your fish n' chips if you're not satisfied. They'll taste just the same."

"Mr. Gorbachev," I said, awestruck, "you can talk!"

"That blonde psycho has been poking me with her stick thing for two hours, and yeah, now I can talk. Thanks for helping me, by the way. I was whining and you just laughed and flipped my floppy ear right-side-up. THAT WASN'T THE PROBLEM, I think a few of my ribs are broken."

God that dog is just the cutest.

**2:15 PM**

Flip floppin his ears.

**2:16 PM**

Hermione was fixing Mr. Gorbachev's ribs with her wand. So much for the whole hiding in plain sight plan. The waitress eyed her uncertainly as she returned to our table with a plate of nachos, putting them in front of a sullen-looking Malfoy.

"We're playing fetch," Hermione told her quickly.

"My manager says that animals aren't allowed in the restaurant."

"So, leave; I'm sure he'll forgive the mistake."

"Ahoy matey," Ernie interrupted in what he probably thought was a pleasant, conversational way. He tried to lean toward the waitress, but Ginny was sitting in between them and shoved him back into Dean who punched him in the ear.

The waitress stared. "Does anyone need anything else? Your food should be out in a few minutes."

"Do you have any more cheese?" Malfoy asked, cheddar dripping down his chin.

"They're nachos. They're covered in cheese."

"Covered is kind of a strong word, don't you think?"

"What would you use?"

"I don't know…partially splattered?"

"Malfoy, I will partially spatter your face with my semen if you don't shut the fuck up and eat your nachos," Ron said from the corner, looking disdainfully at Draco. He blew smoke in his face and looked back at the waitress. "You can leave now."

"S-s-sure, sorry," the waitress replied apologetically, adjusting her pirate hat. I personally thought "she should adjust that thin strip of fabric over her nipples," but I had enough tact not to say so.

Everyone stared at me.

**2:18 PM**

HAH whoops. Too late to take it back.

"So…I mean what do you say? Just a nip flash. We're a really good audience."

Luna cheered for emphasis, but the waitress didn't seem impressed until she saw Naomi inching slowly out of Dean's jacket pocket.

**2:19 PM**

"Is it cold in here or are you just happy to see me?" I joked adorably.

However, no one laughed (?) and the waitress hastened to put her "shirt" back on. That is, until Ron, in between drags of his cigarette, said in a smooth, alluring voice:

"It must have felt nice to get that off your chest."

And all the girls giggled and even the waitress was falling all over herself, "shirt" forgotten, and Dean guffawed amiably and WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?

**2:23 PM**

Grumpy.

**2:30 PM**

Our food arrived, so we dug through the grease and cockroach legs to the good stuff. All of us, except Ron, that is. He took a cigarette break, even though he had been smoking nonstop for at least four hours.

**2:35 PM**

Ron joined us, shrugging off his leather jacket as he slid into the booth. He pulled out another cigarette and lit it with his Deluminator.

"You know," Mr. Gorbachev interrupted from Hermione's lap, "that shit will kill you."

"Better to die after living a passionate life, then to live and be truly dead inside." Luna's eyes widened and Ginny gasped and stared at Ron with her mouth open. He grinned and winked at her.

"So your real passion in life is cigarettes, then?" Mr. Gorbachev asked.

Ron faltered. "What—what would you know about passion? You're just a dog."

"My passion is opera. I also enjoy woodworking and the occasional game of bocce ball."

Hermione looked surprised. "Well, you're quite cultured, aren't you? Maybe we should rename you. Even Mrs. Gorbachev might be—"

"No, no, I like the name Mr. Gorbachev. I always felt that I was a man dog stuck in a girl dog's body. Hopefully one day, I can get some type of surgery to correct the mistake, but until then… Anyway, Harry was right on."

Duh.

**2:40 PM**

"Since it has been proved once again that I'm always right, shall we just head on over to Hogwarts?"

Hermione rudely threw a piece of fish at me.

**2:41 PM**

Ughhhgah I smell like vagina now.

**2:45 PM**

Playing with my snitch, brainstorming about why I feel so dirty writing that. Why does it sound so naughty?

Lololol oh wait. Sounds like snatch. Playing with my snatch.

Wish I had a snatch to play with.

**2:48 PM**

I poked Ginny's vagina, but she crossed her legs.

**2:48 and 29 seconds PM**

Why is everyone so rude today?

**2:53 PM**

Hermione was reading Tales of Beedle the Bard, turning it upside down, consulting other books, and after about fifteen minutes she looked up and sighed loudly. No one responded, so she did it again. After no one caring still, she stamped her foot and groaned and then sighed and patted my shoulder, and I said, "Holy fuck, what do you want?"

"I'm not sure what Dumbledore was trying to tell me. I've checked all my rune books, and I've read all the stories and there is nothing about Horcruxes. And nothing about how to destroy them either. However, the story of 'The Wizard and the Hopping Pot,' I mean it sounds kind of familiar. It's about an old generous wizard—"Dumbledore?" I interjected—exactly, Harry, and he used this old pot to brew potions and help people. He dies and leaves all of his belongings to his son—"that's like us, I guess"—who has none of the qualities he had." Hermione paused for a second. "No interruptions? Hah, well that sounds a lot like you, Harry."

"I'm very generous," I said, frowning.

"Sure you are. The point is, though, maybe we need to find this pot. Maybe it can hold a potion strong enough to destroy the Horcrux."

"I think you're looking too far into this, like when people try to analyze stories and pretend there are meanings and symbols behind objects in English class and everyone's just like 'Shut the fuck up so we can finish this chapter!'"

"There are meanings and symbols in literature."

"Maybe Dumbledore just wanted you to chill out. To just shit around and think and let your brain take you where we need to go. Maybe it was that story he wanted you to pay attention to, but instead of finding _the_ pot, you need to find _some _pot."

"As in, marijuana?" Hermione asked. I nodded. "You're an imbecile."

Ron sauntered over from the juke box, flipping the Deluminator in his hands. "He might have a point, Herm. I mean, maybe I can light your joint for you." Ron smiled sexily.

"Well—that's, just, a really nice offer, Ron, but—"

"I remembered something, by the way, cause I was thinking about who was a really cool guy, and I pictured Tom Riddle when he was at Hogwarts and I was like, yeah that guy had his shit together. And then I remembered that he came out of the diary in the Chamber of Secrets. Harry stabbed that diary, though, with a basilisk fang. But the diary was a Horcrux, so it means that basilisk venom can destroy Horcruxes; am I hot or am I hot?"

"Wow—Ron, I can't believe you thought of that!"

"Your cool is showing," I grinned. I went for a high five, but Ron shook his head.

"Come on, man. We're going to pound now."

Ron and I pounded fists!

**3:31 PM**

"Did you think about what Dumbledore wanted you to do with the snitch?" Mr. Gorbachev asked. He was on the floor now, sniffing dark spots on the carpet and licking them.

"I don't know, dude, it's just—it just seems like a memento. Here's this thing you caught. You can nostalgia hard every time you see it and remember that you watched me die. God, Dumbledore's such an asshole."

"There's got to be more to it, don't you think? Maybe something's inside it."

I shook it halfheartedly. "How would anyone even go about putting something inside it?"

"They'd just take it and shove it in, wouldn't they?"

"That's what she said."

HAH GOTCHA

**3:33 PM**

Mr. Gorbachev laughed jovially. "Walked right into it, didn't I?"

"In all seriousness, though," I told him, "I think Dumbledore just wants me to organize some great games of Quidditch."

"Yeah, probably."

We sat in silence, pondering for a few seconds until Mr. Gorbachev started dragging his ass across the carpet and groaning.

**3:45 PM**

"Yo, Harry, we should probably head out soon, shouldn't we?" Dean asked, polishing Naomi with a handkerchief.

"Yeah, you're right. Is everyone done here?"

Everyone nodded, except Malfoy who let out a scandalized cry and then said, "I'm not done my milkshake."

"You've had, like, seven," Ginny observed, sitting on the pool table. "What's wrong with you anyway?"

"Nothing," Malfoy said, but I saw him glance at Ron, who tossed a pool ball in his right fist as he walked over to Ginny and asked if she wanted to play. Blushing, Ginny brushed her hair back and nodded. She rubbed chalk on her cue and laughed effortlessly as Ron told a joke. He then watched her set up her shot and grinned, stubbing out his cigarette as he walked over and leaned over behind her, helping her with her aim. They were both smiling and giggling and Ginny had a terrible shot, but Ron just shrugged and said, "Next time," lighting another cigarette in the process.

We all were just staring at them. And then Luna said, "Is this getting weird, or is it just me?"

**3:55 PM**

The door was blasted open behind us and we turned, wands raised, except for Dean of course who had Naomi cocked (lol every time) and ready for action. The smoke cleared and we saw three hooded figures walk into the room.

Someone shrieked a spell, another yelled menacingly, and the third burped or something, but we all ran toward each other screaming and Hermione turned on the spot and we were gone.

FOREVER.

**3:57 PM**

I'm just kidding.

**3:58 PM**

Am I kidding? Am I writing from the grave? Do ghosts have fingers?

**3:59 PM**

Find out all these questions and more on the next page of my Super Confidential Diary.

**4:59 and 12 seconds PM**

Which, coincidentally, may not be written by me since I could possibly be gone forever.


	10. SO THEN IT'S CHAPTR 10 1

Really stretching for rhymes right now.

Oh hey sup. This is Chapter 10. It is all so wonderfully out of order.

Enjoy, my friends. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. I wrote this on my 21st birthday which should show you how dedicated I am. Special thanks, as always to Maggie. Haha what if I was just making up this person to thank each time to convince you all I had friends. I'm not, but…I guess this isn't very convincing.

Also special thanks to Tumblr. If you haven't followed me yet, then…why? And also please ask me dirty questions. Everyone keeps saying really nice things about the Confidential Diary and it makes my day!, really, but I feel awkward saying anything back cause it seems like I'm tootin ma own horn or something. Within Tumblr, thank you to ma gurl KT (stuckinaturtleshell): so much love.

Wheee, here you go!

* * *

**5:00 PM**

I opened my eyes and I saw a finely carved mahogany lid inches from my refined nose. Blinking, confused, palms on the wood, I pushed up. Despite my stone-hard tricep muscles that threaten to tear my Brooks Brother's dress shirt's sleeves in half, the lid refused to budge. I hummed my discontent with the situation, but was mostly irritated that my "friends" wouldn't even dish out enough cash to get my coffin lined with the hot pink satin cushions with black lace at the ends that I EXPLICITLY ASKED FOR IN THE WILL I DREW UP LIKE YESTERDAY OR SOMETHING.

**5:02 PM**

I may be dead but I have excellent taste. And a writing style strikingly similar to Hemingway.

By writing style I mean drinking style, but whateva. All you authors who wrote the so-called "classics" can suck my pale, thin, curved-slightly-upwards dick.

**5:02 and 7 seconds PM**

That insult (request…?) works a lot better when black people's dicks are involved.

**5:03 PM**

I can't believe I died without getting a glimpse of Dean's dick.

I wasted so much time.

**5:05 PM**

Racist-toward-black people are only that way because they are intimidated by their dick sizes, the likelihood of them winning in a race, and their unwavering self-confidence.

Big black people are always just walking around loving their curves while big fat white people ride around in scooters really angrily, running over people's feet on the street and in the grocery store, as if all those people are the ones who made them obese, forcing the fat white guy to buy seven hungry man meals, fried chicken, and bacon dipped chocolate for dinner that night.

I can't believe I died without dying my skin a different color.

I wasted so much time.

**5:06 PM**

Colors I wouldn't have dyed my skin:

Yellow (unless I want to be berated by my parents [lol my parents are dead] for that B+ I got in 4th grade math)

Beige/light brown/tan/taupe? (whatever Mexicans are)

White (that would have been a waste of money)

Blue (lol yeah I downloaded avatar illegally, what are you gonna do to me? find it on my computer somehow and sue me? ok cyber police; also it was the 3D version and I didn't have the glasses, so things are kinda wonky but I saw some fuckin blue tits and shit)

**5:07 PM**

So anyway, guess I answered everyone's question. What happens when you die?

You get buried and then regain consciousness later so you can think about all the things you didn't do and see how crap your friends are.

**5:07 and 10 seconds PM**

Who buried me with my diary and a ballpoint pen anyway? That's fucking precious. Like they expect me to send them snail-mail from Heaven or something.

_Dear_ (CRAP)_ Friends,_

_It's really bright here in Heaven! I had to buy sunglasses! They were free, of course because God doesn't charge for his love! Or his eye-protection! (haha __ )_

_Love, Kisses,_

_Harry_

**5:10 PM**

_Dear Friends,_

_I can feel your prayers all the way up here: praying for me, for my loved ones. They are like butterfly kisses on my cheeks. Thanks for your love! Thanks for your faith!_

_Missing You,_

_Harry_

**5:11 PM**

_Dear Friends,_

_There are so many chairs up here, all different kinds, too! I am sitting on a tan Lazy-boy recliner. Looks brand new!_

_A nice man walked over and introduced himself. He worked at a hospital, saving children's lives! Often, he'd donate to charities and work at homeless shelters. He was such a great guy that I invited him to sit down on the rocking chair next to me! He politely declined, saying, he wasn't "allowed to sit down here because he once had sex with another man." LOL I guess God hates the gays after all!_

_Who would let a guy who sticks it in someone else's butt work with children? Not me! Here's hoping the rest of them get smited. Pray hard!_

_Miss you, miss you, wouldn't want to kiss you (because some of you are men and the others I'm not married to!)_

_Harry_

**5:15 PM**

So if this is all death is, then haven't I disproved God?

You all spent a lot of time on that Bible thing, printing jillions of copies and then putting it in the wrong section at bookstores. Just cause it's a well-written story doesn't mean you can avoid the fiction shelves and place it on random tables by the front door.

**5:16 PM**

I'm not hungry or anything, but I'd totally love a Blow Pop right about now so I could suck on it and think of all the sexual innuendo I'd be telling people and the high fives I'd receive.

**5:17 PM**

I always loved watching girls with Blow Pops. They'd suck it real sexy-like without even trying, but then they'd get to the gum part and start chewing and it would get uncomfortable all of a sudden.

**5:17 and 3 seconds PM**

If a girl chewed on my dick, there would be consequences.

But maybe it would be less curved?

**5:20 PM**

_The Will I Drew Up Like Yesterday Or Something:_

_Shithead bastards, cunts that I associate with for some reason, and Ron:_

_This is my Will. You make one of these for when you die and you can no longer communicate with other people any more. By the time you get this, I will (geddit?) be dead. I will (lol) have already given this to my lawyer (Mr. Gorbachev) who may or may not have thrown up on it at some point because he's been eating a lot of grass lately. If the vomit is there, ask him kindly to just eat it because he actually likes doing that, but is always embarrassed to do so in front of company._

_I have a few requests once I have passed._

_1. Once dead, you all should watch at least one episode of Happy Days every day for the rest of your lives. Do this for the remembrance of me. If you are selfish, this might seem like I'm asking a lot. If you are a sensible person, you will (rofl) realize that I am bestowing a great gift of TV wonderment upon you, one that you should thank me for. You won't be able to, however, because I am dead so alas and alack and thine hearts be content I guess._

_2. Anyone who attends my wedding should wear custom made shirts with my face on them. These, you must continue to wear to bed every night for a week. _

_3. The priest who says stuff at my funeral must be Morgan Freeman. He can say whatever he wants as long as he says it loudly and for ten minutes. Extra points if he slips in quotes from The Shawshank Redemption._

_4. If you do religion stuff at my funeral, replace any name used in the bible with mine. This will (lmao) enforce the fact that it is my funeral and it is about ME. Why would we talk about some dude named Jesus who is too lazy to shave and makes people drink his blood? I don't know who he is, but that guy sounds like an asshole._

_5. My coffin should be comfortable. So put some hot pink cushions in that shit with black lace at the end for a touch of elegance. Also if you can install those hamster water-feeder things too that might be nice in case my body gets thirsty while decomposing._

_Okay, so now the part that you greedy shits are waiting for: the part where I give you stuff! Well, guess what? I'm not giving anyone anything except for Ginny._

_Ginny, I expect we have slept together many times by the time I'm dead, so you should know through this Will, that I have bestowed upon you gonorrhea. Congratulations!_

_Fin_

**5:25 PM**

Haha I just spent like twenty minutes convincing you I was dead. WERE YOU NERVOUS? DID YOU THINK THAT PERHAPS THE REST OF THIS DIARY WOULD BE ME UPDATING YOU WHENEVER I SCRATCHED MY ASS EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T NEED TO BECAUSE I AM DEAD AND I DON'T GET ITCHY?

No? Yes? Too embarrassed to admit it?

You guys.

_**WHAT REALLY HAPPENED:**_

**5:00 PM**

I opened my eyes and didn't see spells shooting at me, unattractive Death Eaters, or that awesome pirate-themed bar.

Instead, I saw 12 Grimmauld Place.

I looked at Hermione, who was grinning at me for some reason, pleased as a fucking pigeon.

"You brought us here?" I drawled, sounding like Malfoy before he stopped talking entirely in favor of shoving fatty things inside his gob.

"I saved our lives," Hermione countered.

I knocked on the door, annoyed. "You could have just apparated us to the bar next door or a strip club or Harrod's—at least we could have gone shopping and ate scones—but instead you go for this shit hole? Smart."

"Don't you think they'll expect us to come here?" Ginny inquired, looking back on the street nervously. "I mean, Dumbledore was the secret keeper, so after his death, anyone who knew about it before becomes a secret keeper, right?"

"Dumbledore's dead?"

"Which means Snape," Ron finished for her, ignoring me (rude), as he stubbed out his cigarette on Ernie's cheek. He had somehow mysteriously acquired a plaid shirt and an ironic air during the apparition from Wicked Willy's. "What are we gonna do if he shows up? Or if he's already inside?"

"He's not," said Kreacher who had apparently been listening at the door. He opened it wide for us all to come in and we witnessed a very clean Grimmauld Place. It looked like an interior decorator had been there.

"Do you like what I've done with the place?" asked Kreacher, hands on his hips. He was wearing no shirt, but a pair of pink bahama shorts with green Lacoste flip-flops. His hair was parted in the middle and gelled into place. "It was just _so dark_ in here before, you know? And after Fernando and I painted the walls—what is the color? _Desert Romance_, I think—after we painted it that color we just gasped because the room looked so much bigger!"

"Kreacher, when did you get a lisp?" Hermione asked tentatively.

"_Around the time I killed my first mudblood you fucking piece of scum,_" he hissed. "And so we opened up the curtains and the light just came flooding in you know, Hurricane Katrina style, and now we can have plants!"

"I like what you did with the curtains," Ron said, fingering the fabric hiding Mrs. Black from view.

"_Fucking blood-traitor, I wouldn't drink your blood if it was the only sustenance left on earth, I would rather vomit it up and die than have your stinking ass dirty blood anywhere near me, get the hell off_ my curtains, you know, I bought them in this beautiful light green and it's just so much nicer, I think the Missus likes it, too. She's been awfully quiet lately. Probably all the Adam Lambert on the radio, too, she just _loves_ him. I don't blame her, though, boy can sing!"

"Kreacher?" a male voice from the kitchen called with a Spanish accent, "my creature Kreacher, who are you talking to, baby?"

A very tanned, handsome, tall man emerged from the kitchen, grinning. Kreacher waved him over. "Fernando, meet _these little fuckers who think they can just apparate onto our doorstep and that we'll just invite them on in, selfish shits_. Master, the rest of you, this is Fernando Martinez. I met him a little while ago and we just hit it off _he's such a faggot, won't stop sticking his dick in my ass_."

Fernando laughed handsomely. "You know about Kreacher's Tourette's too, I guess? It's just so adorable, but oh my god I'm such a bitch, welcome to our home!"

Kreacher smiled. "Oh look, there's girls here, too! Oh, how wonderful; get yourselves in the kitchen, ladies, where you belong _all you're good for is making meals and sucking cock and I don't want your skanky lips anywhere near mine so get some fucking food in the oven you bitches_. We were thinking about getting a girl because it's become a little ridiculous for us to toil in the kitchen. Every male-male relationship is going to have to do it, you know. I guess that's why gays are so hard for everyone to understand, but everybody just _loves_ lesbians you know. All they have to do is make out on TV and have their two sets of tits and make amazing meals in the kitchen—twice the effort put in!—and everyone's all understanding of it."

Fernando and Kreacher followed Hermione, Ginny, and Luna into the kitchen while everyone looked around open mouthed.

"Guess this isn't so bad, after all. Kreacher got pretty cool."

**6:30 PM**

Eating the dinner Hermione, Ginny, and Luna made. They're watching us enviously because they're not allowed to sit down until the men finish eating.

**6:31 PM**

I belched. "So Kreacher, dude, remember when you told us about the Horcrux or whatever? That was cool man. So we went and got it from Umbridge and we have it with us: is this the real one?"

I handed it to him and he nodded excitedly. "Oh my god, I remember when Regulus gave this to me and said 'Destroy this!' and I was like 'Of course, master,' but I was really thinking 'Oh my god how good is this going to look with my dress slacks and lavender tank?'"

It was quiet for a second. "Do you know the answer?" Kreacher asked, fondling it like a baby that wasn't a mistake or the biggest regret of your life. He looked at me seriously. "It looked _too_ good. So, destroy it." He handed it back to me nonchalantly. "It's _really_ out of style now, anyway."

"Do you know how to destroy it?" I asked.

"Ask Malfoy to sit on it,_ fucking fatass pure-blood traitor what is he even doing here, why is he eating so goddamn much?_"

Malfoy looked up from his third helping of mashed potatoes, scandalized. He glanced at Ron who hadn't touched his plate other than sticking the five cigarettes he had smoked during dinner into his food, creating an ironic smiley face.

"Force won't break it," Hermione piped up from behind us, "but venom from a Basilisk might—do you know where the Sword of Gryffindor is—?"

"Who told you that you were allowed to talk?" Fernando asked, throwing his half-eaten roll at her head.

"Women," I muttered. "They say the most _inane_ things. So do you know where the Sword of Gryffindor is, by any chance?"

"No, I haven't seen it," Kreacher shrugged.

"Well, Dumbledore gave us some clues; mind if we try to work them out here?"

"Not at all, unless you scrape the wood floors, of course. I'll have to slit your throat as you sleep and watch the blood pour all over my fine Egyptian cotton you son-of-a-bitch don't even think about fucking up my floors."

I looked at Fernando. "Tourette's?"

He shook his head. "Not Tourette's."

**6:56 PM**

Organizing our first game of Quidditch because Dumbledore told me to via Snitch. Tried to get Ron and Dean in the action, but they disappeared. Maybe they died.

Whatev, I can't keep track of all these people, I'm not an accountant.

**7:00 PM**

So we've got our teams:

Me, Ernie, and Malfoy (lol will the broom even fly with him on it?)

vs

Hermione, Ginny, and Luna

Mr. Gorbachev is playing the role of referee, which makes sense since I trust no one more than he. Even though he keeps ignoring what I say to chase his tail. He's fighting a losing battle, there.

His tail is less straight than Kreacher.

…meaning it's really curly and also on top of his back. How will he catch it?

**6:57 PM**

"Harry, I really don't want to play Quidditch," Ginny said earnestly/sexily. Everything she says gets me hard.

"Listen, we're in Harry-country right now—Potterville, if you will. And in Potterville, women aren't given a vote and are not considered citizens so, yeah get on your broom, bitch."

**7:01 PM**

Argue, nag, meaningless words. Ron finally broke the tension by barging in the door and telling everyone he just bought a DSL camera.

"I've been thinking about becoming a photographer for years now, and I like really have a good eye for it, so I just did it! I just went and bought a camera and I really don't regret that I don't have any money because I'm an _artist_ and material things, like they don't even _mean_ anything to me. I don't get any fulfillment out of those things. I just want to make art."

The girls are really excited about this new Cool Sensitive Ron and I think he bought a pair of skinny jeans while he was out, but I don't want to say anything because that means I've been looking at his legs and that's pretty gay.

**7:05 PM**

Ron just took a picture of the stairs in black and white and is showing everyone. And Luna doesn't even know what's going on, she's talking about the composition or something but this isn't a musical piece so shut the fuck up Luna.

And Hermione is all, "Ron you're _soooooooooooooo_ talented."

Ginny punched him in the shoulder good-naturedly because she's my bitch, but he looked at her seriously and asked, "Gin, would you mind modeling for me?"

**7:07 PM**

I don't know where Malfoy found the birthday cake, but he is eating all of it with his hands.

**7:10 PM**

Ginny is standing by the stairs (Ron's favorite photographic subject apparently) and she put her hands on her hips and smiled. He, however, frowned.

"Gin, this is serious. This picture wants to capture the inner essence of you. Is that okay?"

So Ginny nodded and winked at the camera while doing a little gun-pointy thing with her front fingers.

"I mean, you have to get naked—it has more meaning," Ron shrugged, a slave to art.

**7:11 PM**

We all felt very uncomfortable (horny) as Ginny slowly took her shirt off, Ron's Nikon ready to take the shot. But before she even got her left arm out, the doorbell rang. And then again and again and again as if there was a really insistent girl scout outside.

"IF YOU DON'T HAVE SAMOAS, I WILL RIP YOUR TITS FROM YOUR BODY AND—"

"Harry!" Dean panted, looking worried, Naomi in his hand.

"Oh hey, Dean!" I opened the door wide, then saw the group of masked and cloaked men behind him. "Look, Dean brought some friends over!"

"Harry, those are Death Eaters," Ernie pointed out.

"_Whatcho do that for, Dean?_" I asked, shaking my head and smiling, and the studio audience laughed at my catchphrase. I ducked a spell and the audience gasped and followed it with a sigh of relief when they saw I was safe.

"I didn't—well I didn't mean to, I didn't realize he was a Death Dealer, he just like waved me over and asked if I wanted some coke and I thought to myself, 'Well fuck me nig, yeah I want some coke,' so I walked over there and put Naomi to his head and told him to 'GIVE ME THE FUCKIN COKE UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET SHOT IN THE EAR AND YOU'LL LOSE MORE THAN YOUR HEARING, YOU'LL LOSE YA LIFE AND I'LL TAKE YOUR COKE ANYWAY SO YOU SHOULD CHOOSE OK, I'LL GIVE YOU A CHOICE, BUT I'M GONNA SHOOT YOU PROBABLY' but he took out his wand, and then I came here."

"You lead them right to us," Hermione screamed scandalized, "you _idiot_!"

And for the second time, we ducked spells, held onto each other, and apparated.

**7:12 PM**

Lol what if I tried to convince you I was dead again.

I won't though.

I might actually.


	11. Chapter 11 O it feelz like Heaven

A million apologies for this taking so so so so long. But here it is! Hope you enjoy.

* * *

**8:00 PM**

In a forest. Again.

I'm way too attractive to be roughing it for this long.

**8:02 PM**

"Nice, Hermione," I said sarcastically as I whipped my dick out to take a piss. "Do you just have no imagination whatsoever, or do you think it's funny to apparate as far from civilization as possible?"

"What are you talking ab—what are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing, Hermione?"

"Being disgusting," she responded acidly, "no one wants to see that, Harry."

"I want to see it," Luna disagreed, raising her hand.

"Thank you, Luna."

And so I finished pissing.

**8:10 PM**

Ron is fucking ecstatic about this forest thing, especially since he's got his new camera! He keeps gasping at random intervals and snapping pictures of leaves and rocks like he's just discovered the cure for homosexuality.

**8:11 PM**

Now he's lying on his belly and taking a picture of a tree trunk.

I walked over and stood next to him, arms crossed in concentration. "So, what's so special about it?"

He looked up at me, horrified. "You don't see it?"

"The trunk? Yeah, I see it."

"So what's your question?"

"Why are you taking a picture of it?"

"It's Art."

"It's a tree."

"It's Art."

"So it's an artsy tree? It could be cut down and made into a lot of paintbrushes."

"You just weren't cut out for this kind of abstract though, Harry. You're not an artist, and you never will be. You can't see the world in the way I can. There's so much suffering all around us."

His voice broke at the end of his statement, and he rubbed his eyes with his sleeve.

What?

**8:14 PM**

Bored.

**8:17 PM**

Wow, why the fuck are we so worried about global warming and the destruction of rain forests and all that shit? Nature is the worst. Good riddance, I say.

Also, I'd kill for a convenience store right about now.

**8:17 PM and 7 seconds**

Or a Dunkin' Donuts.

**8:18 PM**

Or any other establishment run by Indian men.

**8:30 PM**

Ginny is constructing a tent the old fashioned way while Hermione is mumbling shit under her breath and waving her wand around. Every time Ginny leans over to nail one of the stakes in the ground, a calm seems to penetrate the campground, tranquility like I've never known, like I'm actually sitting in one of those rocking chairs in Heaven and God is just smiling out at me from Ginny's ass.

**8:31 PM**

A teenage-God though, struggling to grow his very first beard and only succeeding in scratchy, uneven stubble.

**8:32 PM**

"Gin, I know we've been on the run from Death Eaters, stranded in disgusting forests without running water or basic human needs like towel racks and complimentary wine coolers, and I know you probably didn't bring any shaving cream because you're an idiot, but none of these things are an excuse for a hairy pubic area."

She stood up and spun around. "If you've got a problem with my pubic hair, then why don't you stop looking?"

"I tried, but it's kind of like watching someone with a skin condition scratch a bug bite."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know," I sighed intellectually, trying to form words that a woman might comprehend, "like, they're scratching, and their skin is flaking everywhere, and you have to watch because you don't want any of it to touch you."

She threw her tools down and started walking toward me, opening and closing her knees like the scariest dance I'd ever seen.

Holy fuck holy fuck it was probably so prickly. She probably has leftover crumbs from lunch stuck in there like men with mustaches often do.

**8:35 PM**

What if she actually eats with her vagina?

Vagina dentata.

**8:35 and 3 seconds PM**

So the myth might actually be true!

**8:35 and 21 seconds PM**

Do vaginas have taste buds? Do they prefer their penises deep-fried or sauteed with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!

**8:35 and 29 seconds PM**

I Can't Believe It's Not Human Blood, rather.

?

Being progressive and philosophical is really tiring. Especially when there is a hairy vagina chasing you.

**8:36 PM**

So anyway, she's flip-flappin her thighs in my direction when I scramble away and Ron ambles over, taking pictures.

Uncomfortable.

"Hey, Ginny, fuck Harry and his hair-phobia—I think it's awesome when women can stand by what nature gave them. Except armpit hair. Girls with armpit hair are repulsive."

I went in for the high five! But Ron went in for the pound!

We stood there for a second, frozen by our confusion, as Luna walked by and offered, "You're playing rock, paper, scissors wrong."

**8:45 PM**

Ron keeps following Ernie around and asking when he's just going to fucking pose for him already.

"It doesn't have to be naked, but you're cheating yourself if it's not."

Dean, who's been sleeping since we arrived, sat up. "Ron, cool it with the nudity. It's getting pretty gay."

It was quiet for a second, and Ron sighed, "I'll always be misunderstood."

**9:15 PM**

He wasn't misunderstood for too long, though, since he rolled a joint, took a hit, and passed it along to the rest of us.

"Don't get me wrong, guys, I love the city—the go-go-go lifestyle-that's totally me. But this is totally me, too. Nature. Organic things—like dirt. And that rock covered in moss over there. It's like they're my roommates and nature is the landlord."

I burped in response. Malfoy giggled.

He kept right on going, "Yeah, yeah, exactly Harry, that's how I feel, too. Dirt would be the roommate who has so much potential. You just need to plant the seed of inspiration—oh wow, yeah, planting—and dirt only needs a little push in the right direction. And the rock with moss? Ah, yeah he's like the crazy one who overreacts and asks you to shave his back. It's like a sitcom—I think BBC would love it-we should pitch that!"

**9:17 PM**

"I have so much potential," Ron informed me.

**9:30 PM**

Once we ran out of weed, everyone yawned and shrugged and made to crawl in the shoddily-made tent. But Ron yelled, "Wait!"

"What?" Malfoy drawled, his trademark sneer returning slowly, but surely.

"I can't do this anymore, you guys. Harry, you're stifling my creativity. I feel like I'm drowning in your negativity and capitalism."

"Ron," Hermione said, slowly, her voice tinged with worry.

"No, Hermione, I can't just sit here any longer while Harry talks about Horcruxes and destroying them. I'm so tired of all the obliteration, the pain, the homeless. I want to make something beautiful. Like a TV show. I'm a writer-okay?—I've always wanted to be one, and this is my chance. So I'm going."

"Ron, no!" Hermione wailed, but he was already walking out of the campsite, past our protective enchantments, and he slowly faded from sight. "But RON!"

She slumped down to her knees and cried into her hands. I patted her head awkwardly as we all sat there, stunned.

**9:31 PM**

"Isn't there a writer's strike?"

Hermione started sobbing again.

**12:00 AM**

Chillin with the Horcrux.

Watching for Death Eaters.

And Ron, I guess, if he manages to stumble his selfish way back.

**12:01 AM**

But I don't really care if he comes back. Anyone who wants to work in the TV business over hanging out with me is an asshole.

**12:03 AM**

My life is a goddamn sitcom, Ron. YOU CAN'T WRITE THIS GOLD.

**12:03 and 4 seconds AM**

I may not have a huge audience, but I've got faithful fans. Like the ones that tattoo my face on their vulvas. That's loyalty, Ron.

That's friendship.

**12:06 AM**

Although if Ron had 1) a tattoo of my face and/or 2) a vulva, I don't think I'd want that kind of friendship.

**12:07 AM**

The former is because I wouldn't be able to talk to him for very long without being distracted by how attractive I am, even in ink form.

The latter is because it's impossible to be friends with women. Unless they're ugly.

**12:07 and 39 seconds AM**

That's why Hermione and I are so close.

**12:15 AM**

Almost fell asleep until I saw something white and shimmery. I pushed myself to an erect position (lol) and said, "HEY, WHO'S THERE?"

People always do this, but no one ever gets a response. Ever. I think it's mostly because ghosts and serial killers are really rude.

**12:16 AM**

Is it so much to ask for a, "Oh, hey, I'm just a guy with a knife. Go back to your business." ?

**12:17 AM**

Can still see that shimmery thing. It's really big (lol, no, it's not my cock), and it looks familiar (also not my cock).

**12:18 AM**

Followin it, duh. Surprisingly fast for such a fat thing.

So I was tearing through the forest after it, and suddenly, the figure stopped in a clearing and allowed me to catch up. I narrowed my eyes and realized what it was: a patronus.

Of Neville Longbottom.

**12:19 AM**

"Neville! What's good, man?"

But Patronus-Neville didn't answer because he never understood basic social cues. He looked disdainfully at the iced-over lake we stopped next to and then disappeared.

"Yeah, get out of here! Hahaha."

And then I realized I had no idea how to get back to the tent. With nothing left to do but take my shoes off and try to glide on the ice in my socks, I did exactly that.

**12:23 AM**

Did a double axle. Where are all the womenfolk when I do something sensitive and sexy?

**12:24 AM**

Landed a little too hard on the ice and it cracked. Woops.

**12:24 and 1 second AM**

WOW IT'S COLD

HOW IS IT THIS COLD? IS IT EVEN COLD ENOUGH OUT FOR SOMETHING TO FREEZE OVER?

**12:24 and 3 seconds AM**

Hahaha the Horcrux likes to dive down to the bottom. Tricky motherfucker.

**12:24 and 7 seconds AM**

Hahaha ow, I think I'm sort of drowning.

**Some Time**

Waiting in line for something. It's really bright, and most of the people in line are old, so obviously it's going to take forever. Each one will probably have to use coupons or tell a story about their childhood to some whipper-snapper that really doesn't give a fuck.

**Some Time Later**

I actually have no concept of time, but I don't feel like I was waiting all that long. So anyway I get to the front of the line, and I'm waiting to go past some golden gates. The only thing I can think of is that I'm entering one of those swanky neighborhoods in Southern California, and I'm really excited to brag about this to Ron.

But the dude at the gate is barely paying attention. "Name?"

"Harry Potter."

He checks it on his clipboard. "Are you sure you're in the right place?"

"Los Angeles, right?"

"Uh, no," he clears his throat. "You're dead."

"That can't be right."

"I'm not normally wrong."

I groan. "What, so I drowned?"

"Yeah, well that's what happens when you wear necklaces and go swimming."

"I was just trying to be fashion conscious."

"Everyone has good intentions. Well, actually, you don't most of the time, which is why you're not allowed in. You can take the down escalator."

I turn around, wave goodbye to him, and board the escalator, of course climbing on right after an overweight woman and her giant suitcase. They refuse to budge and I sigh loudly, tapping my foot.

"Might as well save your energy," the lady says, "it's a long ride down."

"Well, how am I supposed to pass the time?" I ask dramatically, already bored.

"We could talk, I guess."

**12:26 AM**

"OH GOD NO!"

I jolted awake and coughed up water, blinked a few times, and saw a familiar red-haired boy sitting above me, drenched, and holding the Sword of Gryffindor.

"Ron? You're back! You saved my life!"

Ron and I slapped high fives!


	12. TIME TA DELVE IN2 CHAPTER 12

****Dedicated to Maggle for help, inspiration, etc. Sorry for the excessive wait!

* * *

**Day 12 - 12:30 AM**

Ron and I walked back toward the camp, dripping wet and shivering. I let him carry the sword because he was "really brave or something," but it's actually because that shit is heavy and I've got to preserve my strength so I can wack off later.

**12:33 AM**

Barged into the women's tent. "Yo Hermione look who I found."

All three girls sat up, screaming and covering themselves as if I was actually interested (I was). "Don't flatter yourselves, ladies," I said confidently, sex appeal oozing from my voice. "Not everything's about you, okay?"

They looked confused and disgruntled and a little bit turned on as they loosened their grips on their sleeping bags. Hermione crawled out and peered at Ron.

"You complete twat," she said in between clenched teeth.

Ron shrugged adorably in response. "I'm sorry I bailed, Hermione."

She slapped him. "You're _sorry_? Oh—well I guess that makes everything better, now doesn't it?"

"I know it doesn't change anything."

"And why the motherfuck would you decide to leave to be a _writer_? I write all your essays! And the one time you wrote a conclusion paragraph, it said, 'Well, that's all folks!'"

"Well, that really was all of it, so—"

"Hermione, look what Ron brought back," I interrupted. She looked at the sword, and he shrugged again, so gingery and cute. "He saved my life."

"You're probably just saying that. Ron can't even save money."

"You can't save money when you don't have it, bitch," Ron threw in.

"No, listen, I was sitting outside and I saw Neville—" I started.

"Neville?" Everyone asked and then looked at Luna expectantly, as she was the new Neville. She raised her hands, incredulous. But they were red!

**12:36 AM**

"Luna, we've caught you red handed," I said in an official sort of voice.

"It's just a phrase," Ginny said, yawning. "It means catching someone in the act. The person doesn't actually have red hands. Besides, it has nothing to do with what we're talking about."

I sniffed. "What _we're_ talking about. This is an A, B, and Hermione conversation, so C your way out of it. Okay, Luna, spill. What the fuck did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!" she said nervously.

"So why are your hands red?"

"I got my period, and I didn't want to get up and put in a tampon while you and Ron were here."

**12:37 AM**

Outside.

Vomiting.

**1:00 AM**

Feverish. Lying in my own vomit. I wish I was dead.

**1:03 AM**

Ginny is cleaning me with a warm washcloth and dabbing my forehead with it. Someone must have placed me in the boy's tent.

"Ginny," I croaked. I wanted to reach for her, but I couldn't move any part of my body. Except for my index finger. And my penis.

"What?"

"If I don't make it through this, I just want you to know—" I started coughing uncontrollably.

"—for fuck's sake, you saw less than a drop of blood—"

"—I just want you to know that I always thought we'd end up together—"

She raised her eyebrows.

"—because you have great tits."

**1:05 AM**

Ginny left, overcome with emotion. I have that affect on people.

**1:07 AM**

Fuck, being romantic is exhausting.

**10:00 AM**

Woke up to fresh air, a joyful disposition, and a really white, soft looking tent.

Stretched. Smiled to myself. Touched the side of the tent, pulled at the white cloth thingy, and realized that someone plastered the entire tent with sanitary napkins.

**10:06 AM**

"WHAT THE FUCK GUYS, I MEAN SERIOUSLY?"

Everyone was giggling. Little shits.

"Grow up, guys. We're on a mission here. I know you don't understand the concept of maturity, but you really should try to stop acting like children."

**10:08 AM**

Put a whoopee cushion under Ernie's butt as he kneeled to grab a wiener for the fire.

Ron and I slapped high fives!

**10:09 AM**

Wiener lol

**10:11 AM**

"Ginny, I'll give you twenty bucks to pretend you're giving a wiener a blow job."

Everyone cheered. She shrugged as if she was really thinking about it.

**10:13 AM**

It's like the most beautiful art.

**10:13 and 3 seconds AM**

This is what Magritte tried to capture but never could.

**10:14 AM**

"Alright, cough up the money, Harry."

"I don't have twenty dollars."

"So, that was just a blatant lie?"

I sighed and put my hand on her upper thigh, but she moved it off. I put it back. "Life is a lie, Gin. But we try and live honestly anyway."

**10:30 AM**

"Harry, we've got the sword. Isn't it about time you destroy the Horcrux?"

"Yeah, that's a great idea, Hermione! And after, we can find more Horcruxes! And save the motherfucking world, yeah!" Ron punched his fist in the air. He had been reacting alarmingly to everything Hermione did and said all morning. "Where is it anyway?"

"Up your ass, Weasley," Malfoy said as he took a long stick, stabbed a chipmunk with it, and stuck it into the fire. We all stared at him for a few seconds.

"Ron, you should really give it back, ok?"

**10:32 AM**

Found the Horcrux. Put it on the ground and stared at it for awhile. Looked at the sword in my hand. Looked back at the Horcrux.

"Harry, just stab it!" Ron said, shitting his pants. "That's what he should do, right Hermione?"

Hermione ignored him. "It'll probably put up a fight of some sort. I mean that's part of You-Know-Who's soul; he's not going to let it go that easily."

"Voldemort's soul! Right, Hermione?" Ron was almost hopping on the spot, eager as an autistic beaver.

"I can't just stab it, it's unarmed," I said, shaking my head.

"Are you an idiot?" Hermione asked.

"I think he is, too!" Ron yelled.

"I want a fair fight with Voldemort, Hermione. This feels wrong. Like cheating. I want to live an honorable life."

"What?"

"I can't do this. I have morals."

**10:34 AM**

Eatin cheetos. Honorably.

**10:35 AM**

"Hey, Harry?" Ron peeped. "Can I try and kill the Horcrux?"

Adorable.

"Of course you can!" I smiled inwardly looking at his gangly, unattractive body and his red nose. "I mean—you saved my life, you found the sword. It should be you. You're a true Gryffindor."

**10:36 AM**

lol what a pack of lies

**10:38 AM**

There's all this yelling and smoke and shit in the clearing. Decided to walk over.

Ron was panting in front of the burned-looking, dismantled Horcrux, sweat dripping down his face. He looked up at me.

"Harry, I did it!"

**10:45 AM**

"Hey Hermione!" Ron was practically sprinting back to camp with the Horcrux and sword in his hands. "Look! I destroyed the Horcrux!"

"Wow, Ron," I scratched my head, feeling awkward for him. "You're, like, talking about it a lot. Makes you look kinda pathetic."

"What?" Hermione squealed. "Ron, that's great! How'd you do it?"

"In cold blood," I answered for him.

"Well, Voldemort put up a tough fight, he showed me things that—I can't even explain—he showed me you and Harry naked and—I mean, I was so angry. He said things that were terrible, and he had me for a moment, I thought I couldn't do it, but then I did!"

She hugged him. Everyone started wandering over to hear the news.

"What happened?" Dean asked.

Hermione squealed again. "Ron destroyed the Horcrux!"

"It probably just committed suicide. It's not a big deal, guys."

**11:15 AM**

Grumpy.

**11:31 AM**

Where's Ginny? Wandered into the girl's tent to see if she was changing.

**11:32 AM**

"Harry!" Luna was leaning over something near her sleeping bag. I eyed her nervously as she turned around quickly and threw her hands behind her back.

"What are you hiding, Luna?" I took a step toward her.

"Nothing!" she squeaked.

"Why are your hands behind your back?"

"I'm touching my butt."

"Oh, okay," I turned to leave. "Wait—what? No, fuck you, let me see your hands."

I heard the tent rustle and some people came in behind me, but I didn't remove my hard (cock) gaze from her. "Let me see your hands, Luna."

Slowly, she brought her hands out in front of her. They were red.

"FUCKING HELL, LUNA! GET A TAMPON!"

"Wait, Harry," Ginny said softly as she moved past me to the mound that was behind Luna. She bent down next to it. Luna closed her eyes, but her whole body was shaking. "It's not period blood. It's Neville's blood."

"What?" I asked. I heard the tent rustle, more footsteps. I looked around behind me. The entire Fellowship was here, staring at our fallen brother.

Ginny dragged Neville's body out from behind Luna. He was dead, dried blood everywhere. Ginny backed away, trying not to retch.

"But he died at the Ministry of Magic," Hermione said, dumbfounded.

"Apparently not," Luna answered. "He was shot but got taken to the hospital. And then he came to find us."

"So, how is he dead again?" Malfoy asked, smoking what looked like Ron's old pack of cigarettes. Ron was eyeing him, dejected.

"I killed him," Luna said.

"Why?" Ginny asked, her eyes tearing up.

"Because I'm the new Neville! He can't just come back and be Neville again. That's not how it works."

Everyone was quiet for a second.

"Well, at least you don't have your period."

**11:40 AM**

"Hey guys, I did catch Luna in the act! Once again, I'm always right. Should we head to Hogwarts?"

"Fuck off, Harry," Hermione replied.

Rude.


	13. Chapter 13 will mak u scream! exually

****Hi there, kidlets. Here's the next installment of the Super Confidential Diary. Sorry for taking so long - I was graduating NYU and shit. In my efforts to become a comedy writer, I've started a humor magazine with my friend Maggle. It's called The Clambake, and the link's on the profile page. It's a celebration of women in comedy, and it's submission-based, so get on over there and submit, funny ladies. At the very least, check it out (plz)!

Special thanks, as always to Maggle, to JK Ro, and to whoever accidentally reads this.

* * *

**Day 12 – 3:00 PM**

Well, howdy-fucking-doody it seems almost back to routine where the Fellowship of the Bling is concerned.

The thought of normalcy brought warmth to my heart, tears to my eyes, and a slight swelling to my groin.

Ginny and Luna sat around the campfire, laughing at a story Dean was telling about his family's shrimping business. With his back to a trunk, Ernie pored over our finances. Malfoy leaned against a nearby tree, smoking and occasionally shouting out random strings of numbers to fuck with Ernie's count. Hermione was reading the children's book Dumbledore left her, pissed off after Ron's failed compliment of "Your hair looks really full, today, like pubic hair!" Mr. Gorbachev was next to her, eating some grass that he recently vomited up.

And I—Harry Potter, the protagonist of this diary—_I_ was on my third beer, trying to figure out why my Tamagotchi kept beeping when I had just fucking fed it.

**3:01 PM**

"Carmelo, shut the hell up, dude," I yelled. I Scolded him.

Carmelo beeped in response. I Praised him instead—I had to just kill him with kindness. Carmelo beeped again.

"Shitting hell, Carmelo, you're worse than a stroke victim. 'Oh, I can't move the right side of my body, can you carry my groceries in for me?' You have your entire left hemisphere asshole—hop to it."

**3:04 PM**

Sitting on Carmelo, but my butt cheeks aren't enough to stifle his cries.

**3:04 and 51 seconds PM**

My butt cheeks have never disappointed before.

**3:06 PM**

"Harry, I think you need to change the batteries," Ginny offered in between Dean's rambles about the many different kinds of shrimp.

"First of all," I walked over, pointing in her face, "you have no idea what you're talking about. Do you understand the kind of pressure I'm under? Carmelo is my _child_—can you even fathom the responsibilities I have as his parent?"

I paced back and forth, infuriated. "I've carried him in my pocket for three days. Three. Days. Endless bouncing about, hitting my upper thigh and my dick sometimes with little-to-no consideration of how heavy he was. He was a burden." I closed my eyes, overcome with pain, and said a little softer, "And I wanted to get rid of him—I'll say it! It's the truth! I'm not proud of it."

"But I couldn't," I shrugged, defeated. I sat down on a stump, my head in my hands.

"I mean—there's no trash can nearby, I'm not going to litter in the environment, and I didn't want to see all your smug, judging faces as I threw him away. I never wanted Carmelo in the first place! But an Asian child came up to me, crying, offering Carmelo and asking for money so he could eat that day. He thrust the Tamagotchi into my fist. I was pressured into it—taken advantage of. And now it's my responsibility to make sure he's cared for, and I don't have the money or resources to do so."

I was heartened by all this, though, and I stood up, my voice stronger, "And you know—I am so fucking sick and tired of women, white women, especially—" All the girls looked at each other, scandalized. "—trying to control what's in _my_ pockets. They shouldn't have any say about what I should do with my Tamagotchi—forced upon me against my will. I mean, it's _my_ pocket. _It's my pocket_."

**3:09 PM**

Carmelo's screen went blank, so I guess he did need batteries after all.

**3:10 PM**

Ron fashioned himself a makeshift set of dumbbells out of branches, rocks, and Hermione's dental floss.

"You uh—starting to work out, Ron?" I asked as I strolled over.

He nodded. "I feel like a hero after the whole Horcrux thing—it's about time I started acting like one."

What?

**3:13 PM**

Went to take a piss, and I wandered into the greenest cove I had ever seen: bright tulips smiled as the steady sound of soft rushing water surrounded me. It seemed like another world entirely—a tranquil paradise untouched except for my urine.

I felt alone, yet not anxious about it, finally acknowledging old worries and feelings I had tried to keep hidden, namely, the pressure of saving the world, which never seemed to lift from my shoulders.

I laughed the loudest of all them, but I also _cried the hardest_.

As a single tear traversed my cheek, Ron's grunts and heavy sighs brought me back to reality and led me toward camp. He was lying on the ground doing what appeared to be chest presses and breathing unnecessarily loud.

He spotted me. "Yo, Harry, would you spot for me?"

"What the fuck did you just ask me?"

"I just need you to like—sorta hold the dumbbell while I'm doing the exercise."

"What?"

**3:15 PM**

Malfoy stopped by, smoking and sneering in a pair of tight pants that he hadn't been wearing a few minutes ago. They accentuated his shapely legs. "You want him to hold the weight for you? Weasley, why don't you just get a smaller one and do it yourself?"

"Yeah, stop being so lazy, Ron," I told him. "Besides, that sounds like I'd have to work out, and I don't need to: I've got natural muscle and a world to save."

"Listen," Ron threw his 'weights' aside, "it's a safety precaution. Just in case my arms buckle, or if a bee lands on my arm and I have to swat it."

"It just sounds like you're trying to pick up more than you can handle," Malfoy shrugged, lighting another cigarette. "You shouldn't be ashamed of being weak."

"Can you put that out?" Ron asked. "Some of us are trying to better ourselves."

"This coming from the guy who picked up smoking to seem cooler," Malfoy scoffed, throwing his hair back. His cheekbones looked sharper than in recent days, I couldn't help but notice.

**3:15 and 43 seconds PM**

Just practicing my description skills for that novel I'm working on, ok?

It's called 'The Fierce Blonde and the Fag that Wouldn't Quit.'

**3:15 and 55 seconds PM**

It's about a struggle to quit smoking, you assholes.

**3:16 PM**

Ron was still infuriated and stuff. "We all make mistakes, Malfoy! At least I learn from mine."

I raised my voice, "IF YOU GUYS LEARNED FROM YOUR MISTAKES, WE'D BE FINDING ALL THE HORCRUXES AT HOGWARTS RIGHT NOW."

**3:20 PM**

Everyone is so much wronger than me.

**3:20 and 17 seconds PM**

So much more wrong then I?

**4:39 PM**

Then or than?

**4:53 PM**

I'm a hero, not an English teacher goddamnit.

If grammar is so important, we wouldn't have to learn it. It'd just be ingrained, instinctual. Primal. Like how I've just always known the way to touch a woman to make her instantly climax.

**4:54 PM**

Ladies.

**5:01 PM**

Hint: poke the clitoris.

You can poke with your pinky finger for a gentler approach.

**5:02 PM**

Or a fancier one.

**5:18 PM**

I gathered just the men to have a talk about heroes because women can't be those.

"Ron, I know it's difficult for you to comprehend," I explained slowly, "but being a hero isn't about having big muscles. It's about being exceptionally handsome naturally."

"Harry, I'm not sure you understand what the books are about," Mr. Gorbachev responded, while chewing on one of Hermione's shoes. So cute. And destructive.

Ernie cleared his throat. "Harry's got a point, though. A hero is a hero regardless of how they look. You can't just become a hero by working out."

"Especially when you're a ginger," Malfoy offered.

"What does that mean?"

"Weasley, you're tall and gangly and freckled and ginger. Even if you could gain muscle, you'd look stupid with it."

**5:26 PM**

"I hate to say it, but Malfoy might be on to something," I nodded my head toward Malfoy, "I mean—imagine if you worked out and your muscles stretched your skin out. That's what muscles do, right? Your freckles would just become giant orange dots all over your arms and legs and chest. People would think you had a deadly skin disease. You could try and save people, but they'd say, 'Hey, get the fuck off me!' and 'I'd rather be at knife point than get whatever you have!' People are cruel, Ron."

**5:30 PM**

After grabbing a six-pack and passing them out, Dean gave us his insight, "I gotta say, Harry was closest."

Duh.

"Being a hero _isn't_ about how big your muscles are, it's about how big your _bones_ are—if you get my drift."

Everyone groaned.

"Whatever, Dean," Ron replied bitterly.

"Easy for you to say!" Ernie gurgled as he chugged his beer.

"You think slavery was just about the color of our skin?" Dean smirked. "It's always been about the size of our bones. People felt inferior. So they made us inferior."

I was awestruck. "They did not put that in the history books."

**5:35 PM**

"Dean, if being a hero is all about having a big dick, why aren't there more black superheroes?"

"There's the Green Lantern," Ernie pointed out.

"Well, there's two," Malfoy corrected him, "and only one is black."

Dean shrugged. "The writers are all white."

"Not _all_ the writers are white," I countered.

"Your writer is."

**7:02 PM**

8-

HI I'M HAIRY AND THAT'S A PICTURE OF MY DICK! I'M NOT UPSET BY THIS BECAUSE I MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY SAVE THE WORLD SOMEDAY AND I'LL GET A COCK IMPLANT AND MAYBE IT WILL BE BIG ENOUGH TO GET PAST MY DEAD MOM'S LABIA, BUT NO PROMISES!

Luv from your son, who truly did get the short straw

P.S.

The dick above is actual size.

**Day 13 – 9:00 AM**

HAAAADIHA HA HA MALFOY

**9:03 AM**

You couldn't draw my actual size dick on this diary if you tried to.

**9:04 AM**

Unless you drew one of those 1 cm = 20 inches systems.

**9:10 AM**

Hermione slammed the book of fairy tales down in the middle of breakfast.

Ron, who's still tryna get on her good side (it's the left), leapt up, "Hey! Hermione? Are you okay? Hey!"

"I'm _fine_, I just think we're stuck."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Yeah, what?" Ron yelled.

Hermione blinked. "We've only destroyed one Horcrux, we've got the sword, but we don't know where to go next!"

"Hogwarts."

"Harry, shut up. And there's this symbol I keep seeing in the children's book, and I can't make any sense of it. Maybe it doesn't mean anything. We're just—stuck."

"A stuck in the mud."

"That's not how that phrase works."

"That's not how your phrase works."

Ron and I slapped high fives!

**9:16 AM**

Luna wandered over at some point during the conversation and picked up the children's book. After staring at it for a few seconds, she piped up, "I've seen this before."

Hermione had an aneurism. Ron shrieked, "WHERE?"

"My dad—sometimes it was on his clothes, sometimes on a chain around his neck. I always thought it was just some clothes line that he wore too often."

Hermione started pacing. "What was Dumbledore trying to tell us?"

"That he was a fashion designer?" I volunteered.

"He would have just told you that before he died, don't you think?" Malfoy asked.

"Dumbledore's dead?"

"You know," Luna interrupted, "I'm sure my dad's at home working on the Quibbler. We could just go and ask."

We all looked around at each other.

"Out of the forest?" Ernie inquired.

"Plain daylight—where we're wanted criminals?" Dean reminded us all.

"Isn't that kind of dangerous?" Ginny asked.

"Isn't everything we're doing dangerous?" I asked her, and then around to everyone else. "We've already lost Neville. Twice. The second could count as a homicide. Let's do honor to his memory, so we can say that we didn't kill Neville in vain."

Ron audibly gulped like in one of those sitcoms where the guy tries to go on a date with two girls at once and finally gets caught after he's gone to the bathroom five times. "Are we sure about this?"

"Harry—this is some narrative movement, right now," Hermione said cautiously, "we can't sit around and play cards and make jokes about dicks anymore. We've got to save the world."

"Grab my bags, everyone, and grab my hands—on second thought, Hermione's, cause she's a bit better at this than me." They did so. The air was tight between us.

"Relax," I said with a smirk. "We're just saving the world."

I winked, and we were gone.

**9:31 AM**

lol no more dick jokes OK HERMIONE


	14. Chapter 14

HEY IT'S BACK! I wanna thank those who are reading because no one would be reading this without you. But really, thanks for putting up with infrequent updates (trying to improve that) and for reviewing, following, etc. Find me on Tumblr. Support women in comedy at the Clambake. Dedication, as always, goes to Maggle.

Hope you enjoy!

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**Day 13 - 9:32 AM**

The sun was bright in our eyes, the air crisp and biting. Snow layered the ground, reached our shins, ruined our shoes. We were standing in the middle of a partially paved road lined with small shops and multiple gas stations. A pick-up truck honked.

I grinned and waved. "Seems like people know my face everywhere we go!"

"I don't think he's greeting you, Harry," Hermione stated.

"Oh, what, then—you think he's catcalling?"

Malfoy snorted.

"From personal experience," Ginny began, raising her eyebrows meaningfully, "cars only honk when they want something from you—and they only ever want _one thing_."

I shivered and crossed my arms over my chest.

The truck honked again and then swerved angrily around us, the driver shouting, "Get the fuck out of the road!"

"IT'S MY BODY! YOU DON'T GET TO COMMENT ON IT!"

**9:35 AM**

"Where are we?" Ginny whined.

"I feel like I don't know anything anymore." My voice broke.

Luna, hand shading the sun from her eyes, responded, "We're about ten miles from my house."

Groans all around. "Nice going, Hermione," I said sarcastically.

"Yeah, you did a great job!" Ron offered, clearly missing the point.

"Why'd you put _me_in charge of apparating to a place I've never been to?"

"Actually," Luna interrupted, "she did perfectly. My house is like Hogwarts—you can't apparate inside the grounds. This is the closest we can get, and this is the only town around."

I turned to Ron. "I thought you said Luna lived close to the Burrow?"

"I mean, she lives _nearby_."

"What's the difference?"

Ernie piped up, "Are we even in England still?"

"Yes," Ron answered, "and Harry, I didn't say she lived around _the corner_, I said around the area."

"Why are we talking about this?" Hermione groaned.

"Ok, ok, ok, Ron. This is all semantics, right? When you're checking out at the supermarket, are you on line or in line?"

"I'm on line," Ron answered, shrugging.

"HOW ARE YOU ON TOP OF THE LINE? THAT MAKES NO SENSE."

"Well you're not _inside _the line—"

"Yes, you are! A line is made up of points, and you are a point in that line."

"Don't quote me geometry, Harry."

"Ok," I paused, "are you in queue or on queue then?"

"No one says queue," Hermione said snobbily.

Dean cleared his throat. "I say queue."

"No, you don't."

"You implying that I don't say it because I never pay for my groceries? I'm a black man, so I just ditch the line altogether?"

"No, shut up Dean," Hermione responded quickly, "you say 'I'm cue-in it,' and it took me forever to realize that you use the phrase when you're at the grocery store _and_when you're playing pool."

"Maybe it took you so long because you aren't as smart as you think."

"Maybe you should give context clues!"

Dean and Hermione's argument escalated. The air was thick with tension, fueled by Ron and Ginny's sudden sibling squabble which drowned everyone else out. Malfoy yelped as Mr. Gorbachev bit his ankles. I ran out of cliches with which to pepper my writing. The Fellowship was self-destructing.

"EVERYONE STOP."

They did, all looking toward me. I began slowly, "Nine companions carry the fate of this earth on their shoulders." The music swelled around us. "We can't waste any more time bickering. We fight or we fall."

**10:00 AM**

Popped into one of the diners for chocolate chip pancakes. Can't carry anything on my shoulders on an empty stomach!

**10:01 AM**

Can't carry Mr. Gorbachev into diners, either, apparently! Tied him up outside and told him, giggling, to stay like a good dog.

"The longer you take, the more grass I'm going to eat," Mr. Gorbachev responded. "It's your choice."

**10:03 AM**

"How quaint!" Ginny gushed. She was absolutely loving the red patent-leather booths and the signs that read 'Coca Cola 5¢.' "It's even got a jukebox!"

"It's out of order," Ernie observed.

"It's like all these booths are wearing the same pants as Draco!"

Malfoy was too busy glaring at everyone in the diner to respond. "Why is every person here obese?"

"Malfoy!" Hermione shushed as our slightly overweight waitress wandered over and placed glasses of water and our paper menus in front of us.

"Are we in America or something?"

**10:08 AM**

Perusing the food menu. These pieces of paper were triple-threats, offering not only the food options, but also serving as placemats and advertising space.

Dean started ripping the corner off his paper menu. We all stared. He said, mostly to himself, in a gruff voice, "Don't—like—roaches."

Glanced at my menu to see an advertisement for exterminators: in bold, it said 'Roach problem? We've got it solved.' And then there was a close-up of a real roach that had a cartoony speech balloon coming from what was maybe its mouth, saying 'You'll never sleep again.'

"I guess that's an effective ad campaign..." Hermione trailed off.

Ron picked up his menu. "Look, it's got advertisements on here for Li-po!"

"Counter-intuitive, really, for a place selling food," Luna said, squinting down at her menu.

Malfoy snorted. "Doubt anyone in this town has taken them up on it."

**10:14 AM**

Our weightress (haha geddit) returned, notepad at the ready. "What can I get you?"

"A health inspector," Malfoy responded promptly, as he used his knife to try and scratch off a ketchup stain on the table.

Ernie cleared his throat, sent a warning glance to Malfoy, and ordered food. She looked next to Ginny, who beamed up at her.

"I'll have the spinach and egg white hash with a glass of Chardonnay, thanks."

"Did you even look at the menu? And we don't have a liquor license."

"Neither do I," Ginny put in with an attractive chuckle.

"No, I mean, we don't have any alcohol here."

"I think I've lost my appetite," she said acidly, handing the menu to our server, who put her hands up.

"You can just—keep it. It's your placemat."

Ginny awkwardly took it back, then folded it up and slipped it under the table, smiling to herself in satisfaction.

**10:15 AM**

In an unexpected turn of events, Dean ordered the _grilled_chicken.

**10:16 AM**

It was Malfoy's turn. "How can you sell a side of sausage for two pounds? Are you selling your food short or is your food actually that worthless?"

She stuttered in response. Malfoy cut her off. "Okay—here—what entree costs 20 pounds or over?"

"We don't sell anything that expensive," she replied meekly, "you could order a breakfast meal and three sides for that—"

"That's not the point," Draco sighed. "Okay, I'll just have whatever you haven't eaten."

**10:19 AM**

After two minutes of "Uhhhhhs" and "Ums!" Ron has settled on a meal.

"Eggs and a side of bacon," Ron said proudly," and can I get my eggs wet?"

The waitress blinked. "What?"

"I want the eggs wet."

Dean and Ernie started snickering, but Ron blinked up at her innocently. She said slowly, "Let me get this straight—you want me to pour water on your eggs?"

"No, I want the yellow stuff to be all moist so when I touch it, it just kind of gets everywhere."

Hermione put her head in her hands. "He wants his eggs over-easy."

Ron threw a balled-up napkin at Dean. "_That's_what its called? You asshole."

**10:20 AM**

FINALLY MY TURN

"I'll have chocolate chip pancakes."

"We don't do that."

"How can you _not do that_? Aren't you a diner?"

"_I'm_not the diner."

"Yeah, well you're just as big as it," Malfoy said.

Ron was all "OHHHHH" and I was like "BUUUURNNN" and Malfoy went in for a high-five, but the waitress punched him in the face.

**10:25 AM**

The manager wandered over to inquire about the violence, but made us leave after I asked about the pancakes again and then, from the fury his negative answer caused, swiped the water glasses off the table.

**10:39 AM**

In the deli next door ordering sandwiches.

"Ha—Harry, you should've shouted 'HARRY SMASH' when you broke those glasses," Ron said, chuckling to himself.

DAMNIT

**10:44 AM**

Guhhh delis are the worst. There's never anywhere to sit.

**10:45 AM**

Settled myself on a shelf of potato chips. Such a satisfying crunch against my buttcheeks.

**10:46 AM**

Once you crunch you just can't munch.

Ha but literally though, I can't wait til someone opens this bag.

**10:50 AM**

Apparently this store has a 'you sit on it, you buy it' policy, and now we've got thirty bags of potato chips to take to Luna's house.

"You're welcome, guys. Rations. We don't want this to end up like the Donner party, now do we?"

"It might have to, anyway," Ron replied, hand in his potato chips. "It's like trying to eat Fruity Pebbles from the box."

**10:57 AM**

Ron's been licking his hand, sticking it into the bag, and then licking off whatever potato chip debri sticks. That's some dedication right there.

Or as Hermione says, "That's fucking disgusting."

**11:20 AM**

Taking a "Snow-Cat" up some mountain to Luna's house because a car would be too simple. Ernie insisted on driving, as he's been feeling useless lately.

"Hey, Luna," I said loudly, "if you like making things hard for yourself, you could've just touched my dick and saved us all a lot of time."

**11:24 AM**

Snow is boring. Mountains are terrible. Nothing good ever happened where FM radio can't reach.

**11:25 AM**

Found the AM radio Bible station, and unsurprisingly, we're all headed for an eternity of fiery damnation.

Ron, ever the optimist, said, "Might as well make that damnation worth it, right?" And then he fished around under his seat and pulled out a box filled with assorted spirits. He unscrewed a bottle of rum, took a sip, and passed it around.

"Drink of it, all of you, for this cup is the new covenant in my blood, shed for you and for all people. Do this for the remembrance of me."

lol apparently Ron doesn't take sacrilege lightly.

"Aren't we breaking open container laws?" Hermione nagged.

I toasted her. "Go to hell or go home, Hermione."

**11:31 AM**

"Luna, I'm planning to covet all your neighbor's wives," I informed her.

She coughed into her vodka. "Sorry to disappoint you, but the only neighbors we have are the dead bodies we built our house on top of. Daddy always said 'A good deal is a good deal, no matter which cemetery you pour concrete over.'"

**11:32 AM**

"That's one of those things you should probably disclose, Luna," Hermione said tensely, trying not to get angry, "before we all travel somewhere on a whim."

"Well, in the spirit of full disclosure," Luna yelled extravagantly, drunk, "we'll probably be stuck there for awhile, as the snow gets pretty heavy and makes travel almost impossible. WOOOO!"

"Goddamnit."

"Not to mention that in good weather the only way to contact people is through an old-fashioned radio system. Owls won't make the trip."

"Fucking hell!"

"It'll be like one of those feel-good teen movies where everyone gets together for a weekend of debauchery, hashes out their emotions, and leaves on Sunday better for the experience!"

"What movies are you talking about?!" Hermione shrieked.

"Yeah, Luna," Malfoy offered ominously, "any time a group of teenagers gets together for a weekend of debauchery, someone has sex and a serial killer shows up to punish them for it. No one leaves 'feeling better for the experience.' In fact, sometimes, no one leaves at all." He broke into a murderous laugh.

"Fuck off, Malfoy," Ginny said nonchalantly, popping open a bottle of wine.

"I wouldn't be so brash, Red. At least, not with your track record. The way I see it, you and Dean are tied as the most obvious ones to go first."

Dean unzipped his fanny-pack and waved Naomi in the air. Ginny yawned, similarly unfettered. "You're mixing your movies, Malfoy. We've got a standard supernatural phenomenon on our hands, not a slasher flick."

**11:36 AM**

On the upside, someone's going to have sex.

**11:37 AM**

Malfoy glanced in my diary, laughed, and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Don't worry, Potter. It's not going to be you."

**11:40 AM**

Rude.

**11:41 AM**

Ginny Weasley with the tough questions, ladies and gentlemen:

"So, are we dealing with ghosts or zombies, here?" Ginny asked, scratching her nose with the tip of the bottle of Chardonnay she wanted oh-so-badly. "Or—like—demonic possession?"

"Neither," Luna said, giggling, leaning against Ginny's shoulder sloppily. "Nothing weird has ever happened in my house. At least, while I've been there."

"Go on," Malfoy urged.

"My dad uses the house as Quibbler headquarters. The staff often gets snowed in for a few weeks while working during the winter—there's enough rooms for everyone to stay comfortably, so it's never a problem. They even bring their families sometimes. But my dad was away on business this time, and the editor-in-chief was left in charge, and I guess he went kind of crazy."

She paused to take a swig from her vodka, and we all followed suit, entranced.

"He was an unstable guy in the first place, but we never realized how unstable." She shook her head, as if casting off a particularly unsavory memory. "He'd always bring his boys with him so I'd have someone to play with. I mean—like I said—there were always husbands and wives and sons and daughters hanging around. I don't know, I guess he just snapped. He killed his wife, his kids, half the Quibbler staff, the rest quit after it all went down anyway. He hanged himself in the lobby. That's what my dad walked into when he returned."

Everyone was quiet, until Hermione broke the silence with, "Fucking Luna, you have to tell us this shit!"

**12:00 PM**

Probably should have thought through the whole drinking-in-the-car thing.

"Can we pull over at the next rest stop?"

Ernie laughed.

**12:12 PM**

Mr. Gorbachev is all smug with his empty bladder. He would have shrugged if he had the body capability. "That's why I didn't down whiskey with the rest of you."

"Oh, I thought it was because you don't have thumbs," I replied icily.

He gave a doggy grumble and curled up to sleep, looking away from me. I held back a sob. It's what's best, Gorbie, for all of us. Sometimes we have to push away the ones we love to keep them safe.

**12:28 PM**

HOW CAN I PEE IF MY WEINER IS FROZEN

I ASK YOU

**12:40 PM**

Snow's getting heavier, and I think I'll just settle down for a nap.

**2:02 PM**

hay ya'll - guess what i'm dreamin about?...  
did u guess  
youre right it was homosexuals

**3:45 PM**

Would be more annoyed if I wasn't so impressed that Malfoy was able to write that without waking me up.

**3:48 PM**

Luna spazzed when she saw the beginning of her driveway and kicked a sleeping Ron in the head. "Everybody, we're home."

Even through the blizzard, we could see how giant her house was. House wasn't even appropriate, more like a mansion or a southern plantation located for some reason in the north. Most of the lights were off which gave it a creepy leering look. Ernie parked the Sno-Cat and we fought against the wind and snow to the front door. Luna pulled up the front mat to find a spare set of keys. She unlocked one of the massive double doors and ushered us inside. I could hear her close the door behind me, but it didn't register to any of us. We were too distracted by the elaborate lobby—like that of a hotel, all marble floors and columns and chandeliers.

Ginny breathed out. "It's huge."

"That's what she said," I responded.

Ron looked scared to move. "Everything's so smooth."

"That's what she said."

"And untouched."

"Not what she said."

"Harry, shut up," Hermione said.

**3:49 PM**

"So guys—ha, I totally blanked. Why the fuck are we here again?"

**TO BE CONTINUED**


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